Primal Loss: a preview

God willing and the creek don't rise, my second book, Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak, will be in your hands on May 22, in both e-book and paperback format (the ebook, and only the ebook, can be pre-ordered here).

If you haven't been following all the conversation and drama on my Facebook page over the past few weeks, I want to give you a little taste of it here.

First, the reviews of the book are in, and I am so humbled and honored to have the encouragement and endorsement of these incredible people, including my faithful and holy shepherd, Bishop Thomas Olmsted:


Primal Loss records for us the actual pain of those most wounded by divorce--children. This makes it countercultural in the best of ways. Some suffering today is not allowed to be called suffering. It is not politically correct to say that children suffer greatly from the divorce of their parents. This book needed to be written, and it needs to be read. It will help children of divorce know that they are not wrong in feeling this awful loss, which, once named and brought to Christ and His Cross, can find healing and even be redemptive. It will help all who bear wounds caused by broken marriages, including divorcées themselves, not only to see in truth what has happened, but also to seek the One whose mercy is greater than our sins and whose Cross is our only hope. 
— Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted, Diocese of Phoenix


“For I hate divorce, says the Lord” (Malachi 2:16). In Primal Loss, adult children explain the life-long impact of learning that horrific concept that “love stops” because their parents divorced. These voices must not be snuffed out by the political correctness that has silenced the suffering brought on by actions that are deemed sinful by the Church. “Open thy mouth for the dumb, and for the causes of all the children that pass” (Proverbs 31:8 Douay-Rheims). 
– Monica Breaux, PhD, MSW, Catholic speaker and therapist, 2010 Catholic Social Worker of the Year, creator of Wholly Men and Women programs


We all need to listen to the voices in Primal Loss because their pain is significant and motivating. Those in marriages will be inspired to elevate their relationships and inoculate against divorce; those who have suffered should take comfort that they are not alone, and that hope and peace can return.
—Diane Medved, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Don’t Divorce: Powerful Arguments For Saving and Revitalizing Your Marriage.




Reading Primal Loss is akin to watching footage of the Hindenburg disaster. Its message is so rivetingly compelling that it's impossible to tear your gaze away, even though it documents a profound tragedy. Regardless of your current views on divorce, this book will impact you deeply."
— Patrick Madrid, radio host, author of many books, including Life Lessons: Fifty Things I Learned in My First Fifty Years


Primal Loss is shock treatment for anyone rationalizing the effect of a broken home on a child. Leila Miller presents the raw words of adult children of divorce, exposing the myth that “the children are all right.” Every pastor and counselor should read this book! 
— Leila Marie Lawler, co-author of The Little Oratory: A Beginner's Guide to Praying in the Home

In the most bizarre twist that can only be a result of the Holy Spirit, my bishop, prior to writing that review, had given a homily that I just happened to be in the congregation to hear, that just happened to be the first homily in my 50 years as a Catholic that spoke directly to the suffering of the children of divorce. I almost fell off my pew. My jaw was open the entire rest of the Mass, I am sure. Listen to his words for yourself:

Bishop Olmsted's Elevate Conference Homily

Please share that homily with any children of divorce that you may know. I am not a child of divorce, and I knew very little about this whole subject before I started this project. One thing I have learned--and which has shocked me--is that most children of divorce, even decades later, have never been asked by anyone how they feel/felt about their parents' divorce! They may be asked about why it happened, when it happened, how it happened, and even how their parents are doing, but rarely does anyone ask the child himself. Even therapists seem to give coping or communication skills, but apparently many (most?) do not ask how the child feels and what his thoughts are about the divorce itself.

There are 70 anonymous contributors to my book. As the project came to a close, I put the word out to them that I was seeking a quote that might encapsulate how they feel about the divorce of their parents, something I could use as a catch-all quote for the back of the book. I was stunned by how quickly I got back an avalanche of words. Here is some of what I got, and this will give you an idea of the kind of pain these people have been keeping inside for decades:

“My childhood was a lie.”

“I had to lie about what I thought and felt.”

“No one took our pain seriously.”

“I felt lost and alone.”

“I felt like a tree that had been pulled up and its roots exposed.”

“I hid my pain, emotions, and everything else until it came to a head in my teens and I had to cut myself for relief.”

“I knew something was terribly wrong with how my ‘family’ was structured, but I lacked any framework to understand it.”

“I never knew who to be, since wherever I was, half of who I was was found wanting.”
“They said we were family...”

“If I’m not the daughter of Mr. and Mrs.____, then who am I?"

“I still wear a mask to hide my true self.”

“The children did not get the attention that was so desperately needed.”

“The divorce was like a storm with unspeakable wreckage.”

“My heart is broken, and a hole as big as the universe is made in my soul.”

“I struggle to believe in unconditional love.”

“My parents moved on, but I’m still picking up the pieces.”

“Just how many ‘families’ have to be strung together before enough is enough?”

“Instability, abuse, and depression. Broken homes are terrible for children.”

“Divorce is a brokenness only God can heal; each story is different, but in each is an experience of great loss.”

“If my parents couldn’t figure out how to love, where does that leave me?”

“I feel displaced. Dejected. Despairing.”

“My family is gone. Forever.”

“If we can’t learn to fight for love and family from our parents, then from whom?”

“Children are NOT resilient.”

“Dear parents, you should have tried harder.”

“No, the kids are not okay; yes, we are hiding it, because you are not a safe place for us to bring our pain. You may not get it, but it is time we have a voice.”

“Divorce destroys, always.”

“Parents are supposed to speak up for their children, not crush their voice.”

“I’m 50. When do I get to stop protecting my parents and be me?”

“Every day, I weighed the feelings of my parents and acted accordingly. My entire life felt like a balancing act, beginning at 12 years old. It still does, even at 35.”

“Yep, kids are resilient. Or so you think they are... until....”

“Whether six months or 80 years old, the divorce left a lasting wound that we deal with every day, and only God consoles us.”

“They were unhappy and they separated. I pretended to be happy so they wouldn’t leave me, too.”

“Divorce is a loss. A loss of marriage. A loss of family. A loss of life once known. And with loss comes pain and grieving. Shouldn’t the child of divorce be allowed to express his pain and be given time to grieve?”

^^That was answered by another, who said: “To allow that would be to admit they did something damaging. Most people refuse to see it that way.”

“Watch the Hindenburg crash... that is what divorce is like.”

^^That was answered by another, who said: “In slower--more excruciating--motion.”

“Where is this resiliency that everyone is talking about?????!!!!! I mean that.”

“They said we would be resilient, but they were just pushing our pain under the rug.”

“The divorce forever changed who I was. I was a carefree, trusting, and joyful child. Divorce took my innocent childhood and replaced it with hurt and rejection, and I was lost. I do not get close to others. I just cannot handle rejection. It changed everything.”

"My sister and I weren’t given a chance to grieve the divorce because society sees it as 'normal' now--so we were supposed to be fine.”

“My family was an organic whole in its own right. Tearing that into two pieces tore ME into two pieces. That is not something I will ever recover from fully.”

“It’s like learning to live with a physical disability after being hit by a drunk driver. At least car crash victims are not lied to about their disability and are not told to be resilient so that the person who crashed into them feels better.”

“Tore me into a zillion pieces.”

“If you would’ve asked me how I was doing, I would’ve said ‘fine.’ That was a big fat lie.”

“Only the grace of God could restore what was broken!”

“The crosses of marriage were never meant to be transferred to the children.”

“I was expected to ‘just be happy’.”

“It wasn’t for the best, especially not for the children.”

“If they only knew how left behind I felt.”

“You said I’d be happy because you’d be happy. You were wrong.”

“I was given the message that if I was sad or hurt or struggling it was somehow my fault, because the divorce ‘fixed’ everything, and everyone else was great.”

“It was implied that any struggles or sadness I felt from the divorce was due to my weakness or selfishness.”

“The divorce culture is a culture of lies. Ours is a generation raised in the shadow of these lies.”

“Even though gaslighting is a very strong term, that's how I feel about so much of my childhood.”


And on and on....

For these adult children of divorce, the floodgates have been opened. How many others, millions, have never said a word?

Pray for all those who live with the pain and the scars of divorce every day.

PS: Due to some very unfortunate events, I have had to put the comments on "moderate." Thank you for understanding.

You must know these eight things the Catholic Church teaches on divorce

Twenty-three years ago, Catholic Answers helped bring me back into the fullness of the Catholic Faith. In fact, this amazing organization was the very catalyst for that sea change in my life, after my mom's famous words to me. I had no internet yet, but I read many tracts and books and magazines from Catholic Answers and was set on fire for the Faith.

So you can imagine why I am thrilled to tell you that I've had my first article published by Catholic Answers! I will be writing once a month for CA's online magazine, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity!

This month, I chose to write about the Church's teaching on divorce. Not because I am the child of divorce or divorced myself (I am neither), but because I am stunned at what I never knew until recently. We Catholics don't seem to know or understand the very clear and pointed teachings of Our Lord and his Church on this matter. Regrettably, even many priests are unaware of these teachings, which has led to poor counsel and untold heartache.

Here is my quick, easy primer; please read it all, and spread the word. The more we know and understand, the better for all of us, especially children.

Eight Things You Have to Know About the Church's Teaching on Divorce

As I've mentioned recently, I'm much more active on my Facebook page these days than here on the blog, and there was an interesting discussion that followed my posting of this article there--including this comment from Christopher Brennan near the end of that thread (emphasis mine):

Your whole article is straight out of the Catechism, is founded in Scripture, and as I read these comments, this seems to be news to a lot of people....

The fact is, life is about the cross. Take everything TV and movies say about marriage and throw it out the window. Marriage is a great source of joy. But real joy and peace comes from the cross. (Also in Scripture and the Catechism and 2000 years of wisdom passed on.) Some marriages will be exceptionally difficult. So what? There's a million things that can befall a person that would make life difficult. We are still bound by moral rules.  

The points in this article need to be preached over and over and over. They used to be well understood. They need to be made that way again.

On that note, I have news to share about my latest book. Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak is available for pre-sale for the Kindle/e-book version only. There will be a paperback version as well, but that version is not available for pre-sale. Both e-book and paperback will be officially published on May 22 (God willing!).

I have 70 contributors total, and their own words make up the bulk of the book. Primal Loss is not a "how to recover and heal from your parents' divorce" book (although there will be hope and help discussed and offered). It's a book of unmasking the pain and telling the truth about the short- and long-term effects of divorce on children. It ain't pretty.

My hope is that those contemplating divorce will read it and reverse course. I already know that it will make the adult children of divorce feel much less alone. 

The Amazon description of the book:

Seventy now-adult children of divorce give their candid and often heart-wrenching answers to eight questions (arranged in eight chapters, by question), including: What were the main effects of your parents' divorce on your life? What do you say to those who claim that "children are resilient" and "children are happy when their parents are happy"? What would you like to tell your parents then and now? What do you want adults in our culture to know about divorce? What role has your faith played in your healing?  

Their simple and poignant responses are difficult to read and yet not without hope. Most of the contributors--women and men, young and old, single and married--have never spoken of the pain and consequences of their parents' divorce until now. They have often never been asked, and they believe that no one really wants to know. Despite vastly different circumstances and details, the similarities in their testimonies are striking; as the reader will discover, the death of a child's family strikes the human heart in universal ways. 

Pre-order the e-book here, to be delivered to your device on May 22: 

Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak

To repeat: The paperback will be available on May 22, 2017, but is not available for pre-sale.


Please pray for me as I work to finish this project. I consider this work as a sacred trust; these seventy souls have entrusted to me the stories of the deaths of their families--stories that most children of divorce don't tell and that most people don't really want to hear.

God has given me a great passion for marriage and family (and the effects of divorce) all of a sudden, so don't expect me to shut up about it anytime soon. After all, as Sister Lucia, one of the seers at Fatima, said, the final battle between the Lord and the reign of Satan will be about marriage and the family. Let's be on the right side of that fight!

Notice: I'm giving up matchmaking!

Yep, it's true! I'm quitting my little hobby of many years. My yenta days (outside of family) are over.

Golde and Yenta, Fiddler on the Roof, United Artists

I'm a tiny bit sad about that, since I still get messages almost weekly asking for help in finding a good Catholic spouse, either for the inquirer or a loved one. I started a Catholic matchmaking yahoo email group (for like-minded Catholic moms) over a decade ago, and then a few years ago I started a private matchmaking blog that continued until recently. I even tried to get a couple of Catholic matchmaking Facebook groups off the ground.

But there is just not enough fruit to keep it up anymore, and very few people actually follow my advice anyway, which has been the deciding factor for me. There is so little time in life, and we all have to decide where to direct our energy most productively.

So, I'm going to throw out some (usually-rejected) advice here, and folks can decide whether or not that advice is worth implementing.

First, in my experience, the vast majority of people actively looking for a Catholic spouse are women in their late twenties to late thirties, well-educated, and situated in good careers. Very few men come on my radar screen, and very few solid Catholic men (meaning, faithful to Church teaching and with jobs and appropriate social skills) are still single past their mid-twenties. Most of those men are marrying young (a good thing!), but that leaves a problem for the ladies: There is a vast pool of lovely, accomplished, faithful Catholic women seeking, and not a very big pool of good men to complement that search.

And yes, that is depressing!

What I always say first to these incredible women: "Have you tried Catholic Match or Ave Maria Singles?" Often the answer is no, as they "don't want to do the online dating thing". Immediately I lament, because one must go where the Catholic men are to find Catholic men, and if they aren't finding them in their parishes (and they obviously are not), there is little chance that they will find a faithful Catholic man at the grocery store or in the corporate world.

God is not going to drop a husband into your lap from the heavens, ladies. You worked very hard getting that college degree (and then that master's degree), so you need to work just as diligently at your own vocation, which is much more important than your job or career in the long run.

Sometimes the women will tell me that they are already on Catholic Match or Ave Maria Singles, but that they have had no luck or have gone inactive. Some thoughts:

1) Yes, there are a lot of men on those sites who are not going to be good husband material, and some are downright awful (one of my first blog posts ever was about the pitfalls of Catholic Match), but it only takes one good guy out of thousands. You are looking for one, that is all. Keep going.

2) You may be way too picky. Life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel, and you are not likely to find an Eduardo Verástegui. If a man is decent, faithful, has good hygiene, and has the means to provide for his family, he is a catch, ladies! If you find that he is "not your type" after the first view of his profile, maybe give him a chance anyway. (I will be writing my next book about Catholic dating and marriage, and I will include the stories of how two of my own children married spouses who were "not their type" at first glance; praise God they persevered!)

3) If you insist on principle that the man must be the initiator while you passively wait for him to make the first contact, well, you may be waiting alone all of your life. I'm just being honest. If you want to find a husband, initiate the first conversation! I am so glad my daughter-in-law did that with my son. And I am glad I was the one who actively pursued my own dear husband so many years ago. :)

4) If you limit yourself to men in your geographical area, eschewing long-distance relationships, then you will indeed be limiting yourself. All three of my married children, and even Dean and I, had long-distance relationships while dating. Not one of us lived in the same state, much less the same city, when we met and dated the other.


Bottom line, marriage is not something magical like fairy dust or wishing on a star that just happens to you like a dream. Like holiness in general, it requires hard work, both before and after the vows.

I have a lot more to say on the matter, as you can imagine, and I will! But one last thought for this short blog post: Pray while you work. The 54-day Novena for finding a spouse is an amazing grace-filled prayer that can make your work of finding a spouse fruitful! Be open, be courageous, be prayerful!


Anyway, it's been fun playing yenta for so long, and I have loved getting to know so many wonderful folks through the process! Go out and promote marriage and family, my friends, as it's the only way to reverse the corrosive effects of the culture. The Church, as always, has the answer! We just need to stop standing in her way.

Another child married! Such joy!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Aspen Jade Photography

Our eldest son was married on Saturday to his beautiful bride! We could not be happier, and we are still flying high!

Welcome to the family, Mrs. Miller! 

More pictures to come in the future!

From the Register: "Are Many Marriages Today Invalid?"

In light of Pope Francis' recent off-the-cuff remarks about marriage validity (and subsequent walk-back), a heated discussion has ensued among many Catholics about just how hard or easy it is to confect a legitimate marriage.

Thankfully, and contrary to what we might hear, it's not all that difficult to confect a valid and/or sacramental marriage! This article from the National Catholic Register, lays it all out beautifully:

Are Many Marriages Today Invalid?

This fantastic piece is written by Benedict Nguyen, M.T.S., J.C.L./J.D., D.Min (ABD), who is canonical counsel and theological advisor for the Diocese of Corpus Christi and an adjunct professor for the Avila Institute.

I have bookmarked the article for myself and I hope each of you will take the time to read it through. It's clearly written and easy to understand, and many of my own questions were answered.

If your Catholic friends are divorcing, read this.

Recently I received a heartbreaking email from a male reader with an all-too-common dilemma. Here is an excerpt, with some identifying details changed (and emphasis mine):

I wanted to get your opinion on something and as always, your prayers. Recently, some good friends of mine have decided to divorce after 6 years of marriage. We were in each other's wedding and remained somewhat close until 2 or 3 years ago. With having additional children (we have 5 children, the oldest being 9) our lives have made it harder to stay in touch. It was only until recently that the husband contacted me saying that he needed some help. His wife had been having an adulterous relationship and he found out about it. He was not without guilt, having had an emotional affair with someone else as well. Both had made mistakes and he was wanting to rectify everything. He went to our local priest, went to confession for the first time in 10 years, and wanted his wife to start counseling. She refused and has since continued her relationship outside of marriage. They have 3 small children. 

The tipping point came this past weekend when I was at a store, and I ran into her (almost literally) in the parking lot and our eyes made contact. I couldn't even muster the strength to say hello. I left the parking lot feeling like I let God down. It was a perfect opportunity to simply say hello and break the ice a little. It has been killing me ever since. She's in a downward spiral, her parents support her adulterous lifestyle and are only adding fuel to the fire. She's all about material things right now and isn't thinking clearly about anything. 

I now feel this call/obligation to write to her. Not to be judgmental, but to remind her of mercy. That she doesn't have to go through with anything, and that I stood by them at their wedding and heard them profess on that day a commitment to love unconditionally. That everyone at that wedding had an obligation to lift them up when times got tough and we've failed to live up to our part of the bargain. That I'm not going to sit by like the countless others and support her decisions. I want her to know the truth. I know in her heart of hearts, she is searching for God. She just doesn't realize it. 

I know they are in the midst of divorce proceedings and I don't want to interject, but I feel I need to do something. I'm just very hesitant. Feelings are fleeting and I'm wanting to really test this to make sure it is the right thing to do. 

What would you do?


What would you have told him? More importantly, what would you do if you were him?

Among the regrets in my life are about three occasions where I did not discourage, and even tacitly encouraged, the divorce of Catholic girlfriends. I can barely type those words. All those instances were many years ago, and today my response to women who come to me basically asking "permission" to divorce (without abuse or safety issues) is very different. However, my previous complicity still hits me hard. Were there "good reasons" for those divorces? At the time, I believed there were, but looking back, I'm not so sure. Perhaps it was simply my desire to see my friends "happy" that informed my bad advice. Or maybe it was simple cowardice on my part.

My answer to this reader was the following:

Please, please, please do exactly that! Oh my goodness, if only we had more people who thought like you!

What you say is really perfect because it is true that it is your obligation (and the others' as well even though they won't do it and would not even think to). Good for you and I will pray for you. Whatever happens you have a clear conscience after this. Oh, I hurt  for those children who will be saddled with the lifelong effects of a broken home. It's always the children who must sacrifice for the adults, isn't it?

As someone said, the children are left to reconcile the two worlds that even the adults couldn't reconcile. What a heavy burden to put on the innocent. 

May God reward you. 


As it turns out, he spent many hours -- and many, many prayers -- composing the letter to his friend. He sent it, and he heard that she received it kindly, although he does not expect an actual response. He also had firm but loving talk with the husband and father, who has since fallen into similar sins.

My reader, praise God, did not sit idly by like so many friends and family do and "support" the break-up of this family. He did what his faith, his friendship, and his witness to the marriage obligated him to do: He spoke. He spoke the truth in love, but by gosh, he spoke.

The marriage/family/"gender" catastrophe in the culture today is happening because good people are too afraid to speak.

Like this courageous reader, you must speak.

You can do this. I promise you. Ask the Holy Spirit and the Blessed Mother to guide your hand or your tongue, and speak.

Discussion: Is "the single life" a true vocation?

In the first decade or so after my reversion, I heard and accepted the idea that there are four vocations, or "callings" from God:  Marriage (to which most are called), ordained life (deacons, priests, bishops), consecrated life (non-ordained religious who consecrate their lives to God, i.e., sisters, nuns, brothers, lay consecrated), and the single life.

In the past few years, though, I have heard many contend that "the single life" is not and has never been a Catholic vocation. I myself have begun to question if it's merely an idea we've devised to help ease the pain of those who have not found a spouse or discerned a religious vocation. You know what I mean: "I haven't found a husband yet, so I wonder if I am called to the single life?"

Perhaps those who stay single have simply never discerned their vocation (or maybe they keep discerning with no end in sight) or have been kept from living out their true vocation by the conditions of their particular culture or circumstances? I'm not entirely sure.

Two things I do know for sure:

1) There is a primary vocation to holiness, and we all have that vocation.

2) It is possible to miss one's specific calling or vocation.**



I'd like your thoughts. Let's talk this through.



+++++++



**Even if a soul should "miss" his vocational calling, that person still has not committed a sin if his intentions were good. This is so important for people to know, especially the scrupulous. God will work with whatever path we have put ourselves on. He is not a puppet master pulling our strings. He is a loving Father who makes all things work for good for those who love Him.

"What if your child is gay?" and other questions

Living the Catholic Faith in the western world today is counter-cultural, to say the least. Anyone who assents to the authority of the Church's Magisterium is bound to get lots of questions from lukewarm Catholics and non-Catholics.

Since the assumption is that "Catholic rules are mean!", people are hopeful to hear that I do not actually hate others who "break the rules". I will tell you from the outset that secularists in particular often have philosophical difficulty with making a distinction between the dignity of a person and that person's sinful acts. In other words, the very legitimate "hate the sin, love the sinner" seems like a fraud or a cop-out to them.

Without the ability to make that distinction, mutual understanding on these issues is difficult. But let's try anyway.

Let's tackle the most common questions:

What if your child is gay? (Implied: Would you still love a child who is gay?)

Of course I would still love my child if he told me he was gay! There is nothing in this world or the next that could make me stop loving my children. The entire vocation of a Christian is to love God and to love others. A mother's love for her children knows no bounds, and I will always love my children.

Will you accept his sexual identity?

First, let's define our terms. The only "sexual identity" that we have is our actual, biological sex. Meaning, we are either male or female. Male and female He created us.

My "sexual identity", therefore, is woman -- inherently, intrinsically, essentially, eternally. Even if I had a son with same-sex attraction, his "sexual identity" would still be man, just as intrinsically and eternally as I am a woman. Homosexual women are women. Homosexual men are men.

Of course I understand that the implied question is, Will you be accepting of your child's homosexual temptations and/or actions? and we can break that down into two parts:

First, sexual temptations of whatever stripe are simply that -- temptations. They are not sinful in and of themselves. No mere temptation can ever equal an actual sin. It is only in the willful indulgence of the temptation to sin that we actually sin. Sin is something freely chosen, in thought or in deed. If a thought is unwanted and consciously rejected (even if it continues to tempt), then it's not a sin.

Second, will I accept my child's homosexual actions or willful desires by condoning, confirming, encouraging, or celebrating them? Never. Not in a million years. But that does not translate to "I will disavow and hate my child." I would never cut off or disown my child if he were living a homosexual lifestyle, but at the same time, I would never betray my Lord by rejecting truth and virtue in order to make my child "happy" or to be comfortable in this world.

In fact, I will never accept as "good" any sin that my children commit. This is not hard to understand, I hope. It's so simple: Sin harms my children and could eternally destroy them. Virtue, truth, and goodness, on the other hand, will lead them to Christ and Heaven. I want my kids' highest good, and that highest good is Heaven -- perfect and eternal union with God.

If my child is a thief, I will still love him (though I may not leave valuables laying around the house when he comes for dinner).

If my child is a drug addict, I will still love him.

If my child is a porn star, I will still love him.

If my child is a lying, no-good, nasty, bigot who hates his whole family and God too, I will still love him.

If my son is a rapist, a murderer, or a child predator, I will still love him. Yes, I will. I may have to turn him into the authorities, but I will still love him.

If my son is in prison for crimes against humanity some day, I will still love him, and I will visit him in prison. I will pray daily and do penance for his conversion.

There is not a soul breathing on earth who is beyond God's mercy, and if my child is the most evil person on the face of the planet, I will never stop loving him and praying for his conversion and salvation.


What if your child leaves the Catholic Church?

It would be heartbreaking. I have raised my children to love and understand the Faith and to embrace it on the logical, reasonable, historical, biblical, and spiritual levels. Should a child reject his birthright someday, I will lament that fact. But I will simply turn to St. Monica (oh, St. Augustine... what a time you gave to your mama!) and pray and fast for his eventual return. And I will trust God in all things.


What if your child wants to get married outside of the Catholic Church? Will you attend his wedding?

First, an explanation about Catholics and marriage. A Catholic is obligated to be married in the Church, unless there is a (very rare) dispensation given by the bishop. Note that I speak of a Catholic's obligation to be married in the Church. Two Protestants are not obligated to be married in the Catholic Church, and assuming they are free to marry (no impediments), Protestants may even get married in front of a Justice of the Peace or in Las Vegas by Elvis... and the Church would assume their valid and even sacramental marriage.

But Catholics (yes, even lapsed Catholics) are required to follow the laws of Christ's Church, and that means obeying Canon Law as well as the moral law. So, a Catholic who marries outside the Church would not have a valid marriage.

My answer to the question, then, is, no. I would not attend my child's wedding if my child should get married outside of the Church. It would be an invalid marriage, and I could not in good conscience be there to witness or support the ceremony or celebration. My children were raised to understand and practice their Catholic faith, with no ambiguity. They cannot plead ignorance, and I cannot pretend that they simply do not know.

I can say with confidence that none of my children would ever expect me to attend their non-Catholic wedding, so it's not an issue for us, not even on our radar, and they would not be shocked or appalled by my stance. In fact, I firmly believe they would be shocked and appalled if I compromised on my faith after living it openly and happily and with conviction for their entire lives. Feel free to ask them yourself (I can get them here to the blog), but I am certain that my children would not want me to go against my own convictions, my faith, and my conscience to attend an invalid wedding that would put them in sin.

I hope that makes sense.

And as I stressed earlier, I would continue to love them no matter what, and they know it. Would they and their civil spouse still be welcome in my home, and would I love that civil spouse and my grandchildren and have everyone for Christmas? Of course!!


What if your child was living with someone? Would you have them over to your house and would you go over to their place?

I would be terribly sad and disappointed if this were the case (and I would, again, be praying for St. Monica's intercession!), but yes, I would certainly have them over to the house and keep all lines of communication and all bonds of charity open. However, I would not go over to their place as if they were a married couple. And no way in one trillion years would I allow a cohabiting couple to stay overnight at my house in the same room. Nope. Fornication is serious sin, and I will never indulge it or look the other way. Not only because of the destruction to their own souls (and to mine if I facilitate it), but because of the scandal it would bring to my other children, especially any school-aged children still in the home.

It's such a no-brainer. It's so easy. No unmarried couples sleeping together under our roof.



Okay, those are some of the most common questions I get, and if you can think of any more, let me have 'em. And, as always, let's discuss.

Are you in a troubled marriage? Another woman who saved her marriage in five minutes.

I have written almost 700 posts on the Bubble, and I honestly can't remember the vast majority of them. But a handful stand out to me as truly important, truly life-changing, worthy of recommending again and again.

One of those posts is Women: Save your marriage. In five minutes. It prompted a follow-up post of testimonies from Bubble readers, was reposted by the Diocese of Omaha (that was such an honor!), and continues to generate interest, discussion, and page hits to this day. 

Recently, I received the following email from a young wife and mother who has graciously given me permission to publish it here (names and some identifying details have been changed). 

It is a powerful letter, and yet typical of the dramatic outcomes I have seen: Again and again, women discover how much power they have to change their marriages in one day -- even five minutes -- with one decision. I encourage any woman who is married to a generally decent man, but who is dissatisfied with her marriage, to read this letter from "Maria" and the original post. 

Dear Leila,

I just wanted to share how a post you wrote has drastically improved my marriage...and literally within 5 minutes just like you said!

John and I have three young children, including twin babies. :) We live 1.5 hours away from John's work. He's up at 5am, out the door at 6am, and home between 6:30pm-8pm. He doesn't get to see the kiddos much except for the weekends. I have a few friends here but certainly nothing like I had in our previous city, before our move. My community and friendships were so strong there, and here it's just in the beginning of growing. So I'm home alone a lot.

I love my children beyond words. I know the responsibility God has entrusted to us and oftentimes it's overwhelming. But in my alone time, I started to build a lot of resentment towards my husband. I was envious of his alone time in the car ride to and from work. No kids crying or whining or screaming. He can have a lunch break, bathroom break all to himself all day long! He can have adult conversations.

And so I really began to lash out in a passive aggressive way and get very, very upset when he came home late and I had to do bedtime by myself...which is the norm these days. I do the night feedings since he has such an early drive, and so I'm just plain tired. I know this hasn't helped anything.

So John would come home and tell me about his desires to go to the gym on the weekends since he hasn't gone since before we married. He shared how he misses riding his bike on the mountains and how he really needs to get the garage cleaned up. And I got so angry. Doesn't he want to spend every free second he has with me and the kids? Doesn't he think I might want to go to the gym? Or anywhere just by myself?

And we got into many many arguments. Ugly, angry, full of resentment and misunderstanding. He felt like was walking on eggshells around me because any free moment he had I expected him to be helping me with the kids or just being by my side.

But I nagged at how he took care of the kids and got frustrated when he didn't follow the exact way I did things. As I type this I am so embarrassed. I also put a lot of pressure on him to find time for us to have a prayer life and he felt so forced. Not that he didn't want to have it, but it was the way I was going about it. He kept telling me, and has for years, that he feels unfulfilled. That killed me and made me angry. Am I not enough? Are our kids not enough? And I would really lay on the guilt.

Well this weekend all these feelings that have been building up in both of us culminated into an epic fight. He told me he feels like he isn't a man...that's he's stifled and controlled. All he wants is a little freedom to exercise and do manly stuff around the house, and I give him guilt trips every time, so he ends up not doing those things, and resentment builds, and now he just can't do it anymore. And then I laid into him how ungrateful he is for all my hard work, yadda, yadda.

And I came downstairs and cried and prayed to Mary for guidance. And then I googled "how to be a supportive wife Catholic"....and your blog was the first link that popped up. I read it and immediately gulped. A real gut punch was dealt to me. And man, did I need it. I am not a controlling, bitter, nagging woman but that's exactly what I had become. John has patiently given into my guilt trips and demands over and over, but he had had enough and was putting his foot down. My mentality was backwards and I was afraid. I was afraid that if I supported him in late nights, gym, weekend bike rides that I would never see him and I would be all alone on the weekends now, too. So I tried to control him. I have ordered the book [note: It also can be checked out at the library] and cannot wait to read it.

After your blog, I ran upstairs and grabbed his face and looked him deeply in the eyes and apologized for turning into a woman he did not recognize and for not being supportive or appreciative. I was so self-centered and focused on my own insecurities that I had neglected to see how exhausted he is, how he hates his drive, hates his job, but is not given any other option than to stay for the time being because of our lifestyle and his pension, how he misses the kids terribly and feels guilt for not seeing them more, how he feels misunderstood by his own wife and how he is craving to get in shape and be healthy and I refuse to let him because it's time away from us.

I got it...my mentality was backwards and in a moment I understood that if I support him, give him space to work out, ride his bike, work on the garage or yard, etc., he will come back to me fulfilled, and all my desires of meeting my needs will be met, and he will be running at the chance to shower me with attention because he will be fulfilled.

So yesterday, he went for a swim and worked on the garage all day. I didn't complain once. I was joyful and focused on the babes and taking care of our home. He would come in and love on the kids and bring Gemma outside with him for a bit and then get back to work. When he finished at the end of day, he grabbed my hand and led me to our couch and said "let's pray baby". He asked! Instead of me asking him to lead! He led on his own. And we had such a beautiful prayer time. After dinner he cleaned up all the dishes! That never happened before without me nagging. He was so loving and complimentary of me and he snuggled with me and told me how grateful he was for today. We both went to bed with peaceful hearts and I am so grateful.

I'm going to do whatever it takes to stay in this mentality because it works! He truly was a different man after I changed my mentality and actions! It was incredible.

Please pray for me to have strength. If you have any advice for finding more joy in my role as a stay at home mommy please please share. You have a plethora of experience and I am only just beginning. God bless you, your family and the work you are doing for Jesus and our Catholic faith.

Maria


Very few things bring tears to my eyes, but this hopeful letter did! When I asked Maria if I could use her story, she was very happy to agree, and as some time had elapsed since her first note, she added this:


Things are still going really, really well. It almost feels like when we were first dating and married, but with 3 little ones all around! He is SO stinking happy and this just makes me want to shout for joy. And you know what? He has only stayed at work late ONCE since last week...that seriously never, ever, ever happened. So it truly goes to show he was trying to avoid coming home to a nagging unhappy wife :( And now that I'm supportive and joy filled he wants to be here more. Man...it's just that simple.

Yes, I promise that I will absolutely share this truth with any woman that crosses my path with these issues. I have already shared it with one dear friend. Hopefully she will find as much help as I have.

Thank you again...truly. I'm sending you a big hug :)

Only blessings,
Maria


And as if to confirm that I needed to print this letter today, a commenter named Michelle wrote the following just this morning on my reversion story, as an aside to her main comment:

"...I want to thank you profusely for the recommendation to read Dr. Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I love it. I'm just trying to contain my excitement in trying to get every other woman in the world to read it!"

You and me both, sister!!

Let us pray for marriage, the fount of life and the foundation of society, which is in such crisis and yet needn't be. 

Gay "marriage" round-up and resources

I'm sure we are all sick of the whole topic, and yet there is so much error and misinformation out there that I've made this resource page for those of you who want to learn more about all aspects of the issues we now face. This would be a good page to bookmark.

In no particular order...

1. My brief and clear answers to nine secular arguments regarding gay "marriage":

My Answers to Questions About Gay "Marriage"

2. Why gay "marriage" is not analogous to interracial marriages:

Marriage is Not a Water Fountain

3. An excellent rebuttal to those misguided gay "marriage" flow charts floating around Facebook and social media:

About Those Gay Marriage Flow Charts...

4. For those who say that homosexuality is like the Old Testament Levitical prohibitions against wearing certain fabrics or eating shrimp:

The "God Hates Shrimp" Fallacy

5. To those who say Jesus was silent on gay "marriage":

Was Jesus Really Silent on Same-Sex Marriage?

6. For answering Christians who attempt to use the Bible to support gay "marriage":

Answers For Same-Sex “Marriage” Advocate Matthew Vines

7. When you are laughed at for claiming a slippery slope, direct your detractors to this respected gay-rights activist and professor who says it's time for his side to "fess up" to the slippery slope that he himself used to deny:

The Slippery Slope to Polygamy and Incest

8. What to say to your small children about this whole mess:

Heather Does Not Have Two Mommies: 

Talking to Your Kids About Same Sex Attraction

9. Note that children's rights were tragically and completely ignored in the Court majority's written decision:

Child's Right to Have a Relationship With 

Both Mother and Father Totally Ignored by Supreme Court

10a. When you are asked how same-sex "marriage" will harm or affect you or society, you can explain that Canada is ten years ahead of us and so we are able take a look into the future:

A Warning From Canada: Same-Sex Marriage 

Erodes Fundamental Rights

10b. Of course, for many small businesses in America, the future is already here (two of many examples):

“It is the Price of Citizenship”?

An Elegy for Religious Liberty in America

State Silences Bakers

10c. And as I wrote four years ago, several Catholic charities and foster/adoption agencies have already been affected -- into oblivion:

Catholics, Your Misguided Compassion 
Will Come Back to Bite You in the Rear 

10d. Thoughts on the future in America:

Judicial Activism on Marriage Causes Harm: 

What Does the Future Hold?

11. What does the Catholic Church say about our role in the public square when these unjust laws are proposed and passed?

The Vatican is so incredibly clear about our duty as Catholics (emphasis mine):

Those who would move from tolerance to the legitimization of specific rights for cohabiting homosexual persons need to be reminded that the approval or legalization of evil is something far different from the toleration of evil. 

In those situations where homosexual unions have been legally recognized or have been given the legal status and rights belonging to marriage, clear and emphatic opposition is a duty. 

Read the entire document here:

Considerations Regarding Proposals to Give Legal Recognition 

to Unions Between Homosexual Persons

12. The U.S. Bishops released a statement regarding the recent "profoundly immoral and unjust" ruling on gay "marriage":

Supreme Court Decision a "Tragic Error"

13. Pope Francis has spoken clearly on the threats to marriage and family:

Pope Francis Shocks Liberals on Same-Sex "Marriage"

14. Answering the charge that the Church is "imposing" her beliefs on society:

Is the Church Imposing? Or is it Someone Else? 

15. Questions for Protestant evangelicals who are waving the rainbow flag for gay "marriage":

40 Questions for Christians Now Waving Rainbow Flags

16. If you've lost friends and family over the gay "marriage" fight:

Gay "Marriage" Sets Friend Against Friend, 

Brother Against Brother

17. What does it look like to be a Catholic who lives with same-sex attraction?

What Does it Look Like to be Gay and a Practicing Catholic?

Why Chose Celibacy? A Gay Catholic Speaks Out

18. And here is more on that, in the moving video, The Third Way:

19. Trent Horn comes in with the most innovative idea to help move us back to marriage sanity (can you imagine if we seriously embraced this approach?):

Marriage Has Been Redefined: Now What?

20. And when they ultimately tell you to "judge not!", you can inform them that when it comes to actions (not souls), we are commanded to judge:

Yes, Catholics Can Judge!

21. Books to read on the subject (secular arguments):


What Is Marriage?: Man and Woman: A Defense, by Sherif Girgis, Ryan T. Anderson, and Robert P. George

Truth Overruled: The Future of Marriage and Religious Freedom, by Ryan T. Anderson



22. A few previous Bubble posts on the topic of gay "marriage" or homosexuality:

Gay, Catholic, and Doing Fine

From "Awesome" Gay Lifestyle to Catholic: 

Marie's Story

A Catholic Mother and a Beloved Son Who Is Gay

Should the Children Sit Down and Shut Up?

The Most Important Question in the Gay Marriage Debate


Why Gay "Marriage" Can't Be 
Hitched to the Civil Rights Train

23: A really eye-opening summation, from the wonderful Shane Kapler, as we Christians walk our path to sanctity:

Something I have noticed through observation: I have never met, nor read, a person of great spiritual maturity (someone that you come away from feeling as if you had spent time with Jesus Himself) who ever begins a sentence with, "I'm a Christian, but...," or "I'm Catholic, but..." The people who truly inspire, who really make a difference in the life of the world, are so thoroughly in love with Christ that they have allowed His will to determine theirs; and as a result, they "ooze" divine life. The path to authentic union with Christ must begin with striking that word "but" from our moral vocabulary. We must be Christ's without qualification, as He is ours. (Otherwise we run the risk of hearing those words from Rev. 3:16.)

I will likely add to this page in the future. If something is not addressed here, please let me know!

And remember, let not your hearts be troubled! We were put on this earth at this time for a reason. 

Rejoice! The Church's Beacon Just Got Brighter

What a privilege and sacred honor to be a Catholic in such dark and troubled times! Go forth and become a saint! God has given you the means and the grace to do so, and He asks nothing less.

Little Shares: Housekeeping items (and braggy mom!)

Lots of miscellaneous stuff! Housekeeping in my brain commences here....

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Can a proud mama brag for a moment?

Our eldest son Eric (number two in our lineup) just graduated from college! I have no picture to share in cap and gown, because he opted to skip the ceremony and come home early (he's not much for drawing attention to himself), but he graduated from the University of Arizona with honors, with a degree in Molecular and Cellular Biology. Basically, that's his pre-med degree, and now he's off to medical school! He will be attending Campbell University School of Osteopathic Medicine in North Carolina, speciality to be determined later. We are so proud of you, Eric!

And, oh by the way, he's single. And looking. He's a faithful Catholic, and would love to marry and have a big family! I know that Belmont Abbey is just about three hours from his medical school, and it's full of wonderful Catholic women, so if any of you know someone....  ;)

Hopefully he won't be too upset that I wrote that last part. But I don't think he reads my blog too often, ha!

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On the subject of Doctors of Osteopathic Medicine, some people are confused about DOs, so here's a short primer: a DO trains in the same course of study as MDs, is eligible for the same residencies, and  has the same ability to become a surgeon or any specialty. However, because of the more holistic philosophy of osteopathic medicine, most DOs tend to become primary care doctors, i.e., family physicians, internists, obstetricians, or pediatricians.

I suspect that people tend to confuse DOs with naturopaths (who do not have medical degrees and are not doctors). My father and uncle are MDs, so I didn't know much about DOs until recently, and it's been interesting to learn. My own family physician is a DO, as is my NaPro doctor and several of the partners in my OB/gyn's office and our pediatrician's office. And that's my PSA for today!

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I am more and more drawn to the truth that the crosses in our own lives are our path to sanctity, the ladder to the Father. The personal cross is something inescapable, and yes, when approached with surrender and acceptance, it is beautiful and transcendent. And it is surely a sign of contradiction in a world that seeks comfort and pleasure above all.

Ann Coakley, as many of you know, lost her husband Paul to a fast moving cancer this year. Ann is raising their four small children (including a son born after Paul's death), and has been a source of wisdom and inspiration for thousands, including me. She wrote something today on her Facebook page that needs to be shared. Today would have been their seventh anniversary:

7 years ago today I walked up the aisle of St. Peter's. My eyes were locked on Paul who had tears escaping his own eyes. It was the most beautiful and perfect day of my life. In Paul I recognized the love God has for me, his lowly daughter whom He loves beyond measure. Paul loved me in such a way that was as close to a perfect love as you can experience in this life. It was a fore taste of heaven. A heaven that my saintly husband is now experiencing because he understood love & sacrifice better than anyone I've ever known. Our vows are complete. We loved each other through everything this life threw at us and we held onto each other up until the end. God gave me a miracle in the reassurance that Paul was going to Him when Paul lifted off his bed, raised his arms and went to the One who loves him more perfectly than I could. One day my beloved will be waiting for me to close my eyes and wake up in the true reality that we had helped each other attain during this life. I joyfully await that day. Until it comes I will make both God and Paul proud of me by focusing on our babies and living this life the way Paul lived his life. Happy anniversary, sweetheart. I love you and miss you. Please keep helping me on this path to heaven.

She then linked to the following page on her blog, from 2009, "Catholic Symbolism in our Marriage", and she mentioned elsewhere that this is her favorite image from her wedding day. Note that Paul is washing her feet (as the Lord washed the feet of His Apostles), as a sign of his tender love and eternal service to his bride:

Paul and Ann Coakley

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Just for fun, here are two of my very, very, very, very (did I say "very"?) favorite blog posts of all time, from Bad Catholic. I know it's a good blog post when it doesn't leave me, and when I keep returning to it, after years have passed. I think you guys will enjoy them, either again or for the first time:

A Sword For Theists

In Defense of Things

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Okay, this made me so sad! Look at how the activist author of this blog describes herself:

She regularly annoys her 6-year old son ... by grounding him whenever he attempts to rescue a princess.

My heart breaks! The beautiful, unique, God-given instinct of a boy or man to be protector, provider, hero, is disparaged and punished! The attempt at some kind of social consciousness here may be well-meaning, but this mother's sentiment is terribly misguided. Every boy, every man, wants to be a hero. The masculine heart is made for such things. In this culture, the part of boys and men that we should want to nurture more than anything is their desire to willingly sacrifice themselves for others, especially women and children who are in danger. If we dampen or (shockingly!) punish this instinct in men and boys, then we kill that part of them that gives them purpose and mission.

Oh, I cannot tell you how eagerly I await Bishop Olmsted's Apostolic Exhortation to the men in our diocese, on the masculine nature. We desperately need it! Our boys are floundering, and punishing them for desiring to "rescue the princess" is a blow to their nature and mission, a crushing of the masculine heart and soul.

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* CUTENESS OVERLOAD WARNING * CUTENESS OVERLOAD WARNING *

A few weeks ago, my daughters and grandbabies came to visit!!! Their trips home overlapped by two days, so the cousins got to meet!

Felicity will be ONE next month!!

David is two months old today!!

I hope you all survived the cuteness overload. I believe I warned you.

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If you are seeing this or any post in script, it's not me, I promise! It's your computer or your browser. Rest assured, I would never make you wade through all these posts in script!

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Have a most blessed Memorial Day, and as a reminder (because I never used to make the distinction), here is the difference between Memorial Day and Veterans Day:

Memorial Day (Monday) commemorates those who lost their lives serving our nation. Veterans Day (always November 11) is for celebrating all of our veterans. So, this weekend specifically honors those servicemen/women who were killed in the line of duty.

May God rest their souls and reward their sacrifices, and may He comfort their family and friends. 

Pope Francis' closing statement to the Synod. Worth the read!

Originally posted by Rodrigo Guerra López. Thank you!

Pope Francis at the conclusion of the 

Extraordinary Synod on the Family

October 18, 2014

Dear Eminences, Beatitudes, Excellencies, Brothers and Sisters,

With a heart full of appreciation and gratitude I want to thank, along with you, the Lord who has accompanied and guided us in the past days, with the light of the Holy Spirit.

From the heart I thank Cardinal Lorenzo Baldisseri, Secretary General of the Synod, Bishop Fabio Fabene, under-secretary, and with them I thank the Relators, Cardinal Peter Erdo, who has worked so much in these days of family mourning, and the Special Secretary Bishop Bruno Forte, the three President delegates, the transcribers, the consultors, the translators and the unknown workers, all those who have worked with true fidelity and total dedication behind the scenes and without rest. Thank you so much from the heart.

I thank all of you as well, dear Synod fathers, Fraternal Delegates, Auditors, and Assessors, for your active and fruitful participation. I will keep you in prayer asking the Lord to reward you with the abundance of His gifts of grace!

I can happily say that – with a spirit of collegiality and of synodality – we have truly lived the experience of “Synod,” a path of solidarity, a “journey together.”

And it has been “a journey” – and like every journey there were moments of running fast, as if wanting to conquer time and reach the goal as soon as possible; other moments of fatigue, as if wanting to say “enough”; other moments of enthusiasm and ardour. There were moments of profound consolation listening to the testimony of true pastors, who wisely carry in their hearts the joys and the tears of their faithful people. Moments of consolation and grace and comfort hearing the testimonies of the families who have participated in the Synod and have shared with us the beauty and the joy of their married life. A journey where the stronger feel compelled to help the less strong, where the more experienced are led to serve others, even through confrontations. And since it is a journey of human beings, with the consolations there were also moments of desolation, of tensions and temptations, of which a few possibilities could be mentioned:

- One, a temptation to hostile inflexibility, that is, wanting to close oneself within the written word, (the letter) and not allowing oneself to be surprised by God, by the God of surprises, (the spirit); within the law, within the certitude of what we know and not of what we still need to learn and to achieve. From the time of Christ, it is the temptation of the zealous, of the scrupulous, of the solicitous and of the so-called – today – “traditionalists” and also of the intellectuals.

- The temptation to a destructive tendency to goodness [it. buonismo], that in the name of a deceptive mercy binds the wounds without first curing them and treating them; that treats the symptoms and not the causes and the roots. It is the temptation of the “do-gooders,” of the fearful, and also of the so-called “progressives and liberals.”

- The temptation to transform stones into bread to break the long, heavy, and painful fast (cf. Lk 4:1-4); and also to transform the bread into a stone and cast it against the sinners, the weak, and the sick (cf Jn 8:7), that is, to transform it into unbearable burdens (Lk 11:46).

- The temptation to come down off the Cross, to please the people, and not stay there, in order to fulfil the will of the Father; to bow down to a worldly spirit instead of purifying it and bending it to the Spirit of God.

- The temptation to neglect the “depositum fidei” [the deposit of faith], not thinking of themselves as guardians but as owners or masters [of it]; or, on the other hand, the temptation to neglect reality, making use of meticulous language and a language of smoothing to say so many things and to say nothing! They call them “byzantinisms,” I think, these things…

Dear brothers and sisters, the temptations must not frighten or disconcert us, or even discourage us, because no disciple is greater than his master; so if Jesus Himself was tempted – and even called Beelzebul (cf. Mt 12:24) – His disciples should not expect better treatment.

Personally I would be very worried and saddened if it were not for these temptations and these animated discussions; this movement of the spirits, as St Ignatius called it (Spiritual Exercises, 6), if all were in a state of agreement, or silent in a false and quietist peace. Instead, I have seen and I have heard – with joy and appreciation – speeches and interventions full of faith, of pastoral and doctrinal zeal, of wisdom, of frankness and of courage: and of parresia. And I have felt that what was set before our eyes was the good of the Church, of families, and the “supreme law,” the “good of souls” (cf. Can. 1752). And this always – we have said it here, in the Hall – without ever putting into question the fundamental truths of the Sacrament of marriage: the indissolubility, the unity, the faithfulness, the fruitfulness, that openness to life (cf. Cann. 1055, 1056; and Gaudium et spes, 48).

And this is the Church, the vineyard of the Lord, the fertile Mother and the caring Teacher, who is not afraid to roll up her sleeves to pour oil and wine on people’s wound; who doesn’t see humanity as a house of glass to judge or categorize people. This is the Church, One, Holy, Catholic, Apostolic and composed of sinners, needful of God’s mercy. This is the Church, the true bride of Christ, who seeks to be faithful to her spouse and to her doctrine. It is the Church that is not afraid to eat and drink with prostitutes and publicans. The Church that has the doors wide open to receive the needy, the penitent, and not only the just or those who believe they are perfect! The Church that is not ashamed of the fallen brother and pretends not to see him, but on the contrary feels involved and almost obliged to lift him up and to encourage him to take up the journey again and accompany him toward a definitive encounter with her Spouse, in the heavenly Jerusalem.

This is the Church, our Mother! And when the Church, in the variety of her charisms, expresses herself in communion, she cannot err: it is the beauty and the strength of the sensus fidei, of that supernatural sense of the faith which is bestowed by the Holy Spirit so that, together, we can all enter into the heart of the Gospel and learn to follow Jesus in our life. And this should never be seen as a source of confusion and discord.

Many commentators, or people who talk, have imagined that they see a disputatious Church where one part is against the other, doubting even the Holy Spirit, the true promoter and guarantor of the unity and harmony of the Church – the Holy Spirit who throughout history has always guided the barque, through her Ministers, even when the sea was rough and choppy, and the ministers unfaithful and sinners.

And, as I have dared to tell you , [as] I told you from the beginning of the Synod, it was necessary to live through all this with tranquillity, and with interior peace, so that the Synod would take place cum Petro and sub Petro (with Peter and under Peter), and the presence of the Pope is the guarantee of it all.

We will speak a little bit about the Pope, now, in relation to the Bishops [laughing]. So, the duty of the Pope is that of guaranteeing the unity of the Church; it is that of reminding the faithful of their duty to faithfully follow the Gospel of Christ; it is that of reminding the pastors that their first duty is to nourish the flock – to nourish the flock – that the Lord has entrusted to them, and to seek to welcome – with fatherly care and mercy, and without false fears – the lost sheep. I made a mistake here. I said welcome: [rather] to go out and find them.

His duty is to remind everyone that authority in the Church is a service, as Pope Benedict XVI clearly explained, with words I cite verbatim: “The Church is called and commits herself to exercise this kind of authority which is service and exercises it not in her own name, but in the name of Jesus Christ… through the Pastors of the Church, in fact: it is he who guides, protects and corrects them, because he loves them deeply. But the Lord Jesus, the supreme Shepherd of our souls, has willed that the Apostolic College, today the Bishops, in communion with the Successor of Peter… to participate in his mission of taking care of God's People, of educating them in the faith and of guiding, inspiring and sustaining the Christian community, or, as the Council puts it, ‘to see to it... that each member of the faithful shall be led in the Holy Spirit to the full development of his own vocation in accordance with Gospel preaching, and to sincere and active charity’ and to exercise that liberty with which Christ has set us free (cf. Presbyterorum Ordinis, 6)… and it is through us,” Pope Benedict continues, “that the Lord reaches souls, instructs, guards and guides them. St Augustine, in his Commentary on the Gospel of St John, says: ‘let it therefore be a commitment of love to feed the flock of the Lord’ (cf. 123, 5); this is the supreme rule of conduct for the ministers of God, an unconditional love, like that of the Good Shepherd, full of joy, given to all, attentive to those close to us and solicitous for those who are distant (cf. St Augustine, Discourse 340, 1; Discourse 46, 15), gentle towards the weakest, the little ones, the simple, the sinners, to manifest the infinite mercy of God with the reassuring words of hope (cf. ibid., Epistle, 95, 1).”

So, the Church is Christ’s – she is His bride – and all the bishops, in communion with the Successor of Peter, have the task and the duty of guarding her and serving her, not as masters but as servants. The Pope, in this context, is not the supreme lord but rather the supreme servant – the “servant of the servants of God”; the guarantor of the obedience and the conformity of the Church to the will of God, to the Gospel of Christ, and to the Tradition of the Church, putting aside every personal whim, despite being – by the will of Christ Himself – the “supreme Pastor and Teacher of all the faithful” (Can. 749) and despite enjoying “supreme, full, immediate, and universal ordinary power in the Church” (cf. Cann. 331-334).

Dear brothers and sisters, now we still have one year to mature, with true spiritual discernment, the proposed ideas and to find concrete solutions to so many difficulties and innumerable challenges that families must confront; to give answers to the many discouragements that surround and suffocate families.

One year to work on the “Synodal Relatio” which is the faithful and clear summary of everything that has been said and discussed in this hall and in the small groups. It is presented to the Episcopal Conferences as “lineamenta” [guidelines].

May the Lord accompany us, and guide us in this journey for the glory of His Name, with the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary and of Saint Joseph. And please, do not forget to pray for me! Thank you!