On being an introvert: The quest to be understood

Hello, my name is Leila, and I am an introvert!

About a year ago, I had "eureka" moment after more than one occasion of trying to explain myself to extroverted friends.

Before I continue this riveting line of thought, I must state this fact: God gifts us with our temperaments. There are no "good" temperaments and "bad" temperaments. They are all gifts. Extroversion is a gift, and introversion is a gift. If you have read The Temperament God Gave You, you already know this. This post is not an attempt to judge anyone or any temperament, but merely an attempt by me to be understood. Which brings me to the bare bones of my theory:

Introverts don't find it hard to understand extroverts.

Extroverts do find it hard to understand introverts.

Chew on that for a moment while I clarify terms....

The easiest way I came to understand the inherent, natural tendency to either extroversion or introversion is this quick test: Let's say you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed out, or maybe you just need to relax. If you are an extrovert, you will usually (but not always) want to decompress and unwind by going out and socializing with large groups of people (bars, dance clubs, parties). If you are an introvert, you usually (but not always) want to decompress and unwind by going home and staying in, being quiet and away from crowds.

So now I am going to repeat my theory, since my (strangely childlike) brain works best by repetition:

Introverts don't find it hard to understand extroverts.

Extroverts do find it hard to understand introverts.

Real life example from my own life. When I was in college, my roommate (one of my closest friends) used to beg me to go out on the weekends. Over the years, there was a lot of this from C:

"Pleeease, Leila, can we go hang out at the Mods?"

"Just come out for a little while? I will bring you back early, I promise! You can decide when we come home."

"How about you choose the place? I'll go wherever you want, let's just get out of here and have some fun!"

Poor thing, this is what she usually heard in response:

"Oh... no, I don't think so. I really don't feel like it. I want to stay in and paint my toenails."

"I've got so many People magazines to catch up on. But you should go out and have fun!"

"I feel awful, C, but I want to relax on my bed and watch the news and then SNL. Forgive?"

And I really did feel guilty about not going with her, because I was letting her down! But I was not the slightest bit sorry for avoiding the "action" -- In fact, I didn't feel like I was missing out at all.

Which brings me back to my theory.

I fully understand that extroverts want to have fun and party and enjoy crowds and meet new people, etc. I truly do "get" that some people are "people people"! In fact, it seems normal and natural and healthy to me that many of my friends and family are like that. The extroverted temperament is not a mystery to me.

But I tend to think that the introverted temperament is a mystery to extroverts. I believe that sometimes the extrovert is concerned that there is something wrong with the introvert. That maybe the introvert has a psychological problem, an emotional issue, or a social phobia. Perhaps the introvert is assumed to be shy.... which is interesting, because I always thought I must be shy, but I have since realized to my surprise that I am not shy. I have no trouble approaching people, talking to strangers (I do a lot of public speaking), sharing my thoughts, and even being the life of the party when the mood hits! Introversion and shyness are not synonymous.

Ironically, many people who have met me in the past few years are shocked when I tell them I am by nature an introvert. After all, I'm quite friendly, "bubbly" (no blog pun intended) and animated in social situations. I genuinely enjoy being social when I do go out (particularly in my little Catholic bubble of friends).

I've talked to a couple of extroverted friends about all of this, and how we move through life differently. They've admitted that prior to our discussions they didn't fully understand why introverts "vant to be ahlone" so much. They had thought, even subconsciously, that "unsocial" folks must have some insecurities or other "issues" which make us want to hide at home and not be out socializing as often as others are.

For a long time, even I wondered if extrovert = healthy and introvert = unhealthy. Yet, assuming that mental and emotional health is intact, this is not the case. We are all just living out the temperaments that God intended for us.

My point?

To document in some small bloggy way that we introverts are not socially crippled or emotionally troubled simply because we are introverts. And to assure all extroverts out there that your introvert friends are not snubbing or avoiding you when they stay in their cocoons. Trust me, it's nothing personal. It's just the way God made us. :)

So, for the sake of clarity (check my sidebar to see what I am all about), I had to write this post. For the furtherance of smoother friendships, better marriages, understanding among all peoples, world peace and such....

If you think I'm wrong, or if you have a better theory, I want to hear it. I am always willing to stand corrected.

Now, back to my cocoon.... or is it my bubble...? Oh, it's my bed.... yawn!