The systematic silencing of the children of divorce (Or, "What I've learned recently")

This is a "what I've learned" post.

It's late, and I'm tired, but sometimes my clearest thoughts come when I just commit to throwing them out on the page, stream of consciousness.

So here it is. 

As you may know, I've been immersed in a subject that, up until a few months ago, held no real interest for me. I have been teaching the Catholic faith for some 23 years now, and a huge focus for me has been marriage, family, human sexuality, raising up holy Catholic kids, fighting the culture war on the redefining (un-defining) of marriage, etc. 

And in all of that teaching, for over two decades of my life, I never much cared or thought about the issue of divorce, aside from lip-service... "Oh, divorce is bad. Yep, it's bad. We Catholics are against it. Yep." And in the meantime, I have looked the other way for the most part, or even tacitly approved of some friends' divorces (much to my shame now).

Every now and then I would write a blog post about the cop-out that is most divorces, and sometimes I would counsel a Catholic woman not to divorce (usually after the rest of her Catholic girlfriends told her to go "be happy"), but then I put it out of my mind and went back to my intact, uncomplicated life. <----- a fact I never realized until I discovered the complications children of divorce deal with every day. Oh.my.gosh.

Never in a million years did I think divorce would be "my issue." I simply have no real connection with it. It has not touched my life in a meaningful way.

What I now understand is that I was blind. I had no idea what was going on all around me, and I couldn't see the walking wounded of divorce, because so many of them appear so incredibly successful and put together. 

Maybe it's more accurate to say that I didn't hear the walking wounded, and neither do you. But that's because--and here it is--they don't speak.

They don't speak!! 

After the rush of adult children of divorce who volunteered to fill out my little divorce questionnaire (98% of them on the condition of complete anonymity), I was exposed to a world that I didn't know existed. Pain, suffering, anger, confusion, sorrow, insecurity, grief, disconnectedness--often many long years, even decades, after the divorce of their parents. So many different circumstances, completely different stories, and yet the same universal feelings. (Since my book was published, the contributors themselves have remarked that they sometimes thought the words of fellow contributors were their own!) 

Because of the silence and the hidden pain, these adult children of divorce did not even know that there were others like them! I could write several blog posts just on that point alone, and how the knowledge of others who understand them has been a huge relief and help in healing. One contributor compared the knowledge and friendship of the others to a reunion of "old war buddies."

They are all veterans of those wars, indeed, but they thought they were the only ones still nursing the old shrapnel from the explosion that blew apart their families--and their foundational security.

And that leads me to what I really want to say: The absolute disbelief I have at the unwillingness of much of the general public to hear what the children of divorce have to say. I can't get over it. Every time I post the words of the children of divorce on my Facebook page, two things happen. 

First, I get a flurry of responses from children of divorce (or abandoned spouses), thanking me for giving them a voice. Usually this is done via private message, so as not to out themselves. 

And then, on my page and others' pages (those who post the link or commentary from Primal Loss), there are the "divorce defenders." They are not only unhappy with any talk that says divorce harms children, they also want no part in hearing what the 70 contributors to my book have to say. When someone really digs in, touting the beauty and goodness of divorce (and yes, many are Catholic), I have offered to email a free PDF copy of the book, no strings attached, just so they can hear the voices of the children. (Only one woman veeeeeeery reluctantly agreed to receive it, and I have yet to hear back from her.)

One woman went so far as to question why a book like mine was even written. She asked, repeatedly, What purpose does it serve? Why is it published at all? In fact, a book like mine, she said, should not be published. I kid you not.

So, what is this deeply offensive book? Aside from the introduction and a few other components, it's not my words. In fact, the bulk of the book consists of eight chapters that contain not a single word of mine. Eight chapters of "no Leila." I did not "write" the book. The children of divorce wrote the book. They answered eight simple questions posed to them about their experiences and feelings and thoughts about the breakup of their families. I did not cherry-pick and I did not censor. I let them talk. And yet, that, apparently, is going too far. 

A question I have taken to asking those who resent the book's existence: Do you think that the voices of the children of divorce are too frequently heard? Do they talk too much? Is their view presented too often? Or...could it be the opposite? Could it be that the adults, the divorced parents, the culture of no-fault divorce get the bulk of the time and attention and sympathy? If we are honest, we know it's the latter.

Seeing how quickly the children of divorce are pounced upon and their perspective invalidated, I now understand why they don't speak, or only speak anonymously (and even then, with terror of being found out). Grown men and women, afraid to say how they really feel about their parents' divorce, even decades later! Why? Because they don't want to hurt their parents, whom they love; because they don't feel secure enough to tell the truth (if one has seen that conflict leads to permanent separation, one learns to avoid conflict); because the divorce narrative cannot be contradicted without serious consequences and penalties; because when they do speak, they are reminded--scolded!--that they are wrong and the divorced parent is right. 

I've seen it happen now, with my own eyes, and it's as shocking to me as it is (now) predictable.

When my friend Alishia (the inspiration for the book) told me carefully worded and oh, so casual stories over the course of a few years about the effects of her parents' divorce on her life, I encouraged her to write about it--but she always demurred. Turns out, it was wise that she did not write her own book, as that would have set her up as a target... which would have been devastating. Not only would she have been accused of having an ax to grind against her parents, but she would've had to beat a hasty retreat from the onslaught, to protect herself emotionally (something children of divorce learn early). 

As for me, I have no skin in the game. I can take the attacks and not be wounded. I can give the children a place to speak, where they can be free to say what they could never say to their own parents, much less the rest of the divorce-affirming culture. (By the way, I can count on one hand how many of the 70 actually disclosed to their parents that they participated in this book; in fact, most have told only their spouses and very few others; this is how guarded they still are.)

Okay, it's late (actually early). I've got to get to bed. But please, allow this book to have its place in the divorce discussion. Let the children of divorce have their small say. We hear from the divorced/divorcing adults all the time. Surely there is a little place at the table for those who are most affected and least able to have any say in the break up of their families. 

And please, pray for them. They are incredible and strong, but they have a lot of healing still to do, and I hope we will allow them that. And the healing begins by giving them their voice and actually listening to what they are telling us. 

Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak

The Foreword to the book can be found, now as its own explosive article, here:

Divorce Enablers

Related posts:  Should the Children Sit Down and Shut Up?

Primal Loss: a preview

God willing and the creek don't rise, my second book, Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak, will be in your hands on May 22, in both e-book and paperback format (the ebook, and only the ebook, can be pre-ordered here).

If you haven't been following all the conversation and drama on my Facebook page over the past few weeks, I want to give you a little taste of it here.

First, the reviews of the book are in, and I am so humbled and honored to have the encouragement and endorsement of these incredible people, including my faithful and holy shepherd, Bishop Thomas Olmsted:


Primal Loss records for us the actual pain of those most wounded by divorce--children. This makes it countercultural in the best of ways. Some suffering today is not allowed to be called suffering. It is not politically correct to say that children suffer greatly from the divorce of their parents. This book needed to be written, and it needs to be read. It will help children of divorce know that they are not wrong in feeling this awful loss, which, once named and brought to Christ and His Cross, can find healing and even be redemptive. It will help all who bear wounds caused by broken marriages, including divorcées themselves, not only to see in truth what has happened, but also to seek the One whose mercy is greater than our sins and whose Cross is our only hope. 
— Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted, Diocese of Phoenix


“For I hate divorce, says the Lord” (Malachi 2:16). In Primal Loss, adult children explain the life-long impact of learning that horrific concept that “love stops” because their parents divorced. These voices must not be snuffed out by the political correctness that has silenced the suffering brought on by actions that are deemed sinful by the Church. “Open thy mouth for the dumb, and for the causes of all the children that pass” (Proverbs 31:8 Douay-Rheims). 
– Monica Breaux, PhD, MSW, Catholic speaker and therapist, 2010 Catholic Social Worker of the Year, creator of Wholly Men and Women programs


We all need to listen to the voices in Primal Loss because their pain is significant and motivating. Those in marriages will be inspired to elevate their relationships and inoculate against divorce; those who have suffered should take comfort that they are not alone, and that hope and peace can return.
—Diane Medved, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Don’t Divorce: Powerful Arguments For Saving and Revitalizing Your Marriage.




Reading Primal Loss is akin to watching footage of the Hindenburg disaster. Its message is so rivetingly compelling that it's impossible to tear your gaze away, even though it documents a profound tragedy. Regardless of your current views on divorce, this book will impact you deeply."
— Patrick Madrid, radio host, author of many books, including Life Lessons: Fifty Things I Learned in My First Fifty Years


Primal Loss is shock treatment for anyone rationalizing the effect of a broken home on a child. Leila Miller presents the raw words of adult children of divorce, exposing the myth that “the children are all right.” Every pastor and counselor should read this book! 
— Leila Marie Lawler, co-author of The Little Oratory: A Beginner's Guide to Praying in the Home

In the most bizarre twist that can only be a result of the Holy Spirit, my bishop, prior to writing that review, had given a homily that I just happened to be in the congregation to hear, that just happened to be the first homily in my 50 years as a Catholic that spoke directly to the suffering of the children of divorce. I almost fell off my pew. My jaw was open the entire rest of the Mass, I am sure. Listen to his words for yourself:

Bishop Olmsted's Elevate Conference Homily

Please share that homily with any children of divorce that you may know. I am not a child of divorce, and I knew very little about this whole subject before I started this project. One thing I have learned--and which has shocked me--is that most children of divorce, even decades later, have never been asked by anyone how they feel/felt about their parents' divorce! They may be asked about why it happened, when it happened, how it happened, and even how their parents are doing, but rarely does anyone ask the child himself. Even therapists seem to give coping or communication skills, but apparently many (most?) do not ask how the child feels and what his thoughts are about the divorce itself.

There are 70 anonymous contributors to my book. As the project came to a close, I put the word out to them that I was seeking a quote that might encapsulate how they feel about the divorce of their parents, something I could use as a catch-all quote for the back of the book. I was stunned by how quickly I got back an avalanche of words. Here is some of what I got, and this will give you an idea of the kind of pain these people have been keeping inside for decades:

“My childhood was a lie.”

“I had to lie about what I thought and felt.”

“No one took our pain seriously.”

“I felt lost and alone.”

“I felt like a tree that had been pulled up and its roots exposed.”

“I hid my pain, emotions, and everything else until it came to a head in my teens and I had to cut myself for relief.”

“I knew something was terribly wrong with how my ‘family’ was structured, but I lacked any framework to understand it.”

“I never knew who to be, since wherever I was, half of who I was was found wanting.”
“They said we were family...”

“If I’m not the daughter of Mr. and Mrs.____, then who am I?"

“I still wear a mask to hide my true self.”

“The children did not get the attention that was so desperately needed.”

“The divorce was like a storm with unspeakable wreckage.”

“My heart is broken, and a hole as big as the universe is made in my soul.”

“I struggle to believe in unconditional love.”

“My parents moved on, but I’m still picking up the pieces.”

“Just how many ‘families’ have to be strung together before enough is enough?”

“Instability, abuse, and depression. Broken homes are terrible for children.”

“Divorce is a brokenness only God can heal; each story is different, but in each is an experience of great loss.”

“If my parents couldn’t figure out how to love, where does that leave me?”

“I feel displaced. Dejected. Despairing.”

“My family is gone. Forever.”

“If we can’t learn to fight for love and family from our parents, then from whom?”

“Children are NOT resilient.”

“Dear parents, you should have tried harder.”

“No, the kids are not okay; yes, we are hiding it, because you are not a safe place for us to bring our pain. You may not get it, but it is time we have a voice.”

“Divorce destroys, always.”

“Parents are supposed to speak up for their children, not crush their voice.”

“I’m 50. When do I get to stop protecting my parents and be me?”

“Every day, I weighed the feelings of my parents and acted accordingly. My entire life felt like a balancing act, beginning at 12 years old. It still does, even at 35.”

“Yep, kids are resilient. Or so you think they are... until....”

“Whether six months or 80 years old, the divorce left a lasting wound that we deal with every day, and only God consoles us.”

“They were unhappy and they separated. I pretended to be happy so they wouldn’t leave me, too.”

“Divorce is a loss. A loss of marriage. A loss of family. A loss of life once known. And with loss comes pain and grieving. Shouldn’t the child of divorce be allowed to express his pain and be given time to grieve?”

^^That was answered by another, who said: “To allow that would be to admit they did something damaging. Most people refuse to see it that way.”

“Watch the Hindenburg crash... that is what divorce is like.”

^^That was answered by another, who said: “In slower--more excruciating--motion.”

“Where is this resiliency that everyone is talking about?????!!!!! I mean that.”

“They said we would be resilient, but they were just pushing our pain under the rug.”

“The divorce forever changed who I was. I was a carefree, trusting, and joyful child. Divorce took my innocent childhood and replaced it with hurt and rejection, and I was lost. I do not get close to others. I just cannot handle rejection. It changed everything.”

"My sister and I weren’t given a chance to grieve the divorce because society sees it as 'normal' now--so we were supposed to be fine.”

“My family was an organic whole in its own right. Tearing that into two pieces tore ME into two pieces. That is not something I will ever recover from fully.”

“It’s like learning to live with a physical disability after being hit by a drunk driver. At least car crash victims are not lied to about their disability and are not told to be resilient so that the person who crashed into them feels better.”

“Tore me into a zillion pieces.”

“If you would’ve asked me how I was doing, I would’ve said ‘fine.’ That was a big fat lie.”

“Only the grace of God could restore what was broken!”

“The crosses of marriage were never meant to be transferred to the children.”

“I was expected to ‘just be happy’.”

“It wasn’t for the best, especially not for the children.”

“If they only knew how left behind I felt.”

“You said I’d be happy because you’d be happy. You were wrong.”

“I was given the message that if I was sad or hurt or struggling it was somehow my fault, because the divorce ‘fixed’ everything, and everyone else was great.”

“It was implied that any struggles or sadness I felt from the divorce was due to my weakness or selfishness.”

“The divorce culture is a culture of lies. Ours is a generation raised in the shadow of these lies.”

“Even though gaslighting is a very strong term, that's how I feel about so much of my childhood.”


And on and on....

For these adult children of divorce, the floodgates have been opened. How many others, millions, have never said a word?

Pray for all those who live with the pain and the scars of divorce every day.

PS: Due to some very unfortunate events, I have had to put the comments on "moderate." Thank you for understanding.

You must know these eight things the Catholic Church teaches on divorce

Twenty-three years ago, Catholic Answers helped bring me back into the fullness of the Catholic Faith. In fact, this amazing organization was the very catalyst for that sea change in my life, after my mom's famous words to me. I had no internet yet, but I read many tracts and books and magazines from Catholic Answers and was set on fire for the Faith.

So you can imagine why I am thrilled to tell you that I've had my first article published by Catholic Answers! I will be writing once a month for CA's online magazine, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity!

This month, I chose to write about the Church's teaching on divorce. Not because I am the child of divorce or divorced myself (I am neither), but because I am stunned at what I never knew until recently. We Catholics don't seem to know or understand the very clear and pointed teachings of Our Lord and his Church on this matter. Regrettably, even many priests are unaware of these teachings, which has led to poor counsel and untold heartache.

Here is my quick, easy primer; please read it all, and spread the word. The more we know and understand, the better for all of us, especially children.

Eight Things You Have to Know About the Church's Teaching on Divorce

As I've mentioned recently, I'm much more active on my Facebook page these days than here on the blog, and there was an interesting discussion that followed my posting of this article there--including this comment from Christopher Brennan near the end of that thread (emphasis mine):

Your whole article is straight out of the Catechism, is founded in Scripture, and as I read these comments, this seems to be news to a lot of people....

The fact is, life is about the cross. Take everything TV and movies say about marriage and throw it out the window. Marriage is a great source of joy. But real joy and peace comes from the cross. (Also in Scripture and the Catechism and 2000 years of wisdom passed on.) Some marriages will be exceptionally difficult. So what? There's a million things that can befall a person that would make life difficult. We are still bound by moral rules.  

The points in this article need to be preached over and over and over. They used to be well understood. They need to be made that way again.

On that note, I have news to share about my latest book. Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak is available for pre-sale for the Kindle/e-book version only. There will be a paperback version as well, but that version is not available for pre-sale. Both e-book and paperback will be officially published on May 22 (God willing!).

I have 70 contributors total, and their own words make up the bulk of the book. Primal Loss is not a "how to recover and heal from your parents' divorce" book (although there will be hope and help discussed and offered). It's a book of unmasking the pain and telling the truth about the short- and long-term effects of divorce on children. It ain't pretty.

My hope is that those contemplating divorce will read it and reverse course. I already know that it will make the adult children of divorce feel much less alone. 

The Amazon description of the book:

Seventy now-adult children of divorce give their candid and often heart-wrenching answers to eight questions (arranged in eight chapters, by question), including: What were the main effects of your parents' divorce on your life? What do you say to those who claim that "children are resilient" and "children are happy when their parents are happy"? What would you like to tell your parents then and now? What do you want adults in our culture to know about divorce? What role has your faith played in your healing?  

Their simple and poignant responses are difficult to read and yet not without hope. Most of the contributors--women and men, young and old, single and married--have never spoken of the pain and consequences of their parents' divorce until now. They have often never been asked, and they believe that no one really wants to know. Despite vastly different circumstances and details, the similarities in their testimonies are striking; as the reader will discover, the death of a child's family strikes the human heart in universal ways. 

Pre-order the e-book here, to be delivered to your device on May 22: 

Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak

To repeat: The paperback will be available on May 22, 2017, but is not available for pre-sale.


Please pray for me as I work to finish this project. I consider this work as a sacred trust; these seventy souls have entrusted to me the stories of the deaths of their families--stories that most children of divorce don't tell and that most people don't really want to hear.

God has given me a great passion for marriage and family (and the effects of divorce) all of a sudden, so don't expect me to shut up about it anytime soon. After all, as Sister Lucia, one of the seers at Fatima, said, the final battle between the Lord and the reign of Satan will be about marriage and the family. Let's be on the right side of that fight!

Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse on "Healing Family Breakdown" retreats

Dear friends, I'm going to be doing and saying a lot on the marriage and divorce front in the next few months, as I get closer to releasing my next book, Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak. As a woman blessed with an intact family (my parents have been married 52 years), I had no idea what divorce does to children, other than the fact that I knew it was painful and they suffer. I took my parents' marriage for granted, and I barely gave a thought to what my life would have been like had they divorced. 

After reading through and editing the words of almost sixty adult children of divorce for my book, I can no longer turn a blind eye to family breakdown. 

Today I want to introduce you to the Ruth Institute's Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse, whom I have admired for many years, before she ever knew who I was. She is doing so much good work, and I cannot say enough about her, her colleague Jennifer Johnson, and the mission of the Ruth Institute. Please take a moment to learn about one of the Institute's latest programs, from Dr. Roback Morse herself:

Divorce hurts kids. The wounds do not go away. When I saw the extensive discussion on Leila’s Facebook feed, I knew I wanted to share this report with you, her readers. 

Since 2013, the Ruth Institute has been creating materials and programs designed to assist what we call the Survivors of the Sexual Revolution. Our thinking is that every round of the Sexual Revolution has harmed millions of people. Future developments destabilizing marriage, including genderless marriage, will continue to harm even more people, even more deeply. Yet, the constituency for natural marriage has been eroded, due to the relentless promotion of the redefinition of marriage and related topics. 

The Healing Family Breakdown Half-Day Retreat is the latest of our innovative programs to help people see the connection between family breakdown in general, the ideology of the Sexual Revolution and the harms they personally have experienced. The Ruth Institute held its second Healing Family Breakdown Half-Day Retreat on February 4, 2017 in Lake Charles, Louisiana. 

The Retreat succeeded in several important respects. Participants: 

• learned empathy for their family members 
• felt permission to experience whatever emotions they may have had about the disruptions in their families. 
• pledged to stay involved in further Ruth Institute educational programs. 

The Retreat consists of a combination of short talks, guided meditations, and small group discussions. This format gives people the chance to do more than just learn about family breakdown in the abstract. The Retreat format allows people to process the full impact of family breakdown on their families. 

This Retreat is a multi-generational event. We held it at the Catholic Student Center at McNeese State University in Lake Charles. Naturally, students attended. Because of our contacts in the whole community, adults of all ages attended. The mix of ages allowed people to hear the story of family breakdown from the perspective of others in their families. 

One woman said, “My son, from my first marriage, got kicked out of school at age 8. He told me that he felt as if he didn’t really fit into the family. I couldn’t understand what he meant until I heard others talking about their experiences today.” 

A young woman said, “My parents are divorced and I have issues with my dad. One man at my table, who has been divorced twice, is struggling with his daughter. I feel as if I can see my dad’s point of view in a way I never could before. Listening to him helped me a lot.” 

We introduced people to the concept of “disenfranchised grief.” This refers to a social situation in which people feel that they are not permitted to feel their sadness. My colleague, Jennifer Johnson contrasts the loss of a parent through death, with the losses of divorce. Grieving the death of a parent is perfectly understandable and socially acceptable. But the child of divorce or a reluctantly divorced spouse often has no space in the family system for grieving their losses. 

People seemed to feel relieved that they could experience the full range of feelings associated with the disruption of their families. 

Our goal at the Ruth Institute is to build up a network of people who can offer these Retreats in their own communities. After all, Jennifer and I cannot be everywhere at once! All these people will be better spokespeople for marriage within the wider culture. They will see the connection between the ideology of the Sexual Revolution and the serious harms they and their loved ones have endured. And most importantly, they will not be talked out of any of this by a slick advertising campaign, promoting the next round of sexual adventures or family deconstruction. 

The campus minister, Fr. Nathan Long, concurred with us that this Retreat was a spirit-filled event that benefitted everyone who attended. We are looking forward to spreading this new program throughout the cities where we have contacts, and beyond. 

Thank you to the Little Catholic Bubble Readers, for doing your part to support the Children of Divorce, the Reluctantly Divorced, and other Survivors of the Sexual Revolution. 

You can learn more about the Healing Family Breakdown Retreats here. The Ruth Institute Store has a variety of pamphlets, reports, and books to support healing. You may also wish to share your story of family breakdown and surviving the Sexual Revolution on our Tell Ruth the Truth blog. Or, just subscribe to our free weekly newsletter, and receive a free gift. 

Thank you, Dr. Roback Morse!!

Bubble readers, please feel free to share this with your friends and family, and with your diocese if they would be interested in hosting a Healing Family Breakdown Retreat. 

A couple of housekeeping notes...

First: 

I did it!

I began a book club on Facebook primarily for the purpose of holding myself accountable for finishing a book. And it worked! I finished Evelyn Waugh's Helena ahead of schedule, and I had a blast with the folks who joined me!

And since the next book on the schedule is one that regular readers have heard me rave about, I'm now letting my blog readers know about the book club, in case any of you want to join in.

The book we will begin in December, great for Advent, is Fr. Wilfred Stinissen's book, Into Your Hands, Father: Abandoning Ourselves to the God Who Loves Us, which I wrote about here and here.

The Little Catholic Bubble Book Club is private, but if you request to join (you must have a Facebook page), I'll ascertain your non-trollness and let you in. This book is life-changing; if you've ever wanted to read it, now's the time.


Second:

I'm working on my next book, which will give voice to the (now-adult) children of divorce. If that's you, I want to hear from you, primarily so those adults contemplating divorce today might have the perspective of the children -- things that adult children of divorce have rarely been able to say, for fear of hurting their parents or being dismissed.

If you are an adult child of divorce who would like your voice heard, please answer the following questions and send your responses to raisingchastecatholicmen@gmail.com, with the subject DIVORCE. All answers will be confidential, unless you let me know that you are comfortable with your first name being used.

Please answer any/all of the questions you feel comfortable answering. I will not know until the compilation of the book how much or how many of your answers will be included.

I am not worried about style; I am grateful for your heartfelt, thoughtful answers, even off-the-cuff. This is not a scientific survey, as you will quickly see. Here ya go:


1. Basic info: Are you male or female, and please give your age at the time of your parents’ separation and/or divorce and the age you are today. Are you married? Do you have children? (Give your name if you want to be identified.)

2. Were your parents Catholic? Married in the Church? Received subsequent annulment? Remarried? 

3. If you wish to remain anonymous, please tell us why.

4. A very broad question, but what affect has your parents’ divorce had on you? 

5. What is the difference between how you felt about the divorce as a child and how you feel about it as an adult?

6.  Has your parents’ divorce affected your own marriage or view of marriage?

7.  What do you want to say to people who say that “children are resilient” and “kids are happy when their parents are happy” and “kids of divorce will be just fine and will go on to live successful lives”?  (Note: I know that many kids of divorce do go on to live happy, healthy lives and have good marriages. So, rest assured the book won’t be about how “wrecked” you all are; we can’t gloss over the pain and consequences, though, even if kids of divorce have gone on to live lives of virtue and goodness.)

8. What would you want to say directly to your parents about the divorce and how it affected your life then and now? Would you advise them to do things differently, and if so, what? (For the record, one or more young divorced parent has told me that adult children of divorce only want to speak to me because of “unconscious revenge” against their parents, and that they simply have not “forgiven” their parents, which is the only way to heal. Thoughts on that?) 

9. What do you most want adults in our society to know about how divorce affects the children?

10. What role has your faith (if you have a faith) played in your healing?

11. What would you want to say to any children facing their parents‘ divorce today? What would you want to say to those parents now considering divorce (absent cases of danger and abuse where separation is necessary)? 

12. Any other thoughts you have or anything you’d like to share that I have missed, please feel free to include. I want all your thoughts! 


When I asked for participants on Facebook, I was overwhelmed. I had at least a hundred willing people by the end of two days. Since that time, have received about 35 responses from that group. Many of the original group have let me know that attempting to answer has been too painful/emotional/difficult, and they have not been able to follow through. That's why I am taking my appeal to the blog, to get a bigger pool of participants, so that you all have a bigger voice.

If you decide to answer the questions, please have them back to me by the end of the year. Better yet, by mid-December. I truly appreciate it. By January, I have to go forward and assemble the responses.

Please note, again: Your answers do not have to be polished or well-articulated. I am fine with your stream-of-consciousness responses, and I will fix any grammar/syntax issues.




And just a heads-up: In a day or two, I hope to have a post up (God willing!) that links to many great Christmas ideas from Catholic vendors, authors, crafters, etc. So, hold off on your online shopping until you see what your fellow Catholics are selling!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! And to my fellow Mayflower descendants -- mine are John Howland (The Boy Who Fell Off the Mayflower, or John Howland's Good Fortune), and Elizabeth Tilley -- let's be extra thankful that we even exist!

If your Catholic friends are divorcing, read this.

Recently I received a heartbreaking email from a male reader with an all-too-common dilemma. Here is an excerpt, with some identifying details changed (and emphasis mine):

I wanted to get your opinion on something and as always, your prayers. Recently, some good friends of mine have decided to divorce after 6 years of marriage. We were in each other's wedding and remained somewhat close until 2 or 3 years ago. With having additional children (we have 5 children, the oldest being 9) our lives have made it harder to stay in touch. It was only until recently that the husband contacted me saying that he needed some help. His wife had been having an adulterous relationship and he found out about it. He was not without guilt, having had an emotional affair with someone else as well. Both had made mistakes and he was wanting to rectify everything. He went to our local priest, went to confession for the first time in 10 years, and wanted his wife to start counseling. She refused and has since continued her relationship outside of marriage. They have 3 small children. 

The tipping point came this past weekend when I was at a store, and I ran into her (almost literally) in the parking lot and our eyes made contact. I couldn't even muster the strength to say hello. I left the parking lot feeling like I let God down. It was a perfect opportunity to simply say hello and break the ice a little. It has been killing me ever since. She's in a downward spiral, her parents support her adulterous lifestyle and are only adding fuel to the fire. She's all about material things right now and isn't thinking clearly about anything. 

I now feel this call/obligation to write to her. Not to be judgmental, but to remind her of mercy. That she doesn't have to go through with anything, and that I stood by them at their wedding and heard them profess on that day a commitment to love unconditionally. That everyone at that wedding had an obligation to lift them up when times got tough and we've failed to live up to our part of the bargain. That I'm not going to sit by like the countless others and support her decisions. I want her to know the truth. I know in her heart of hearts, she is searching for God. She just doesn't realize it. 

I know they are in the midst of divorce proceedings and I don't want to interject, but I feel I need to do something. I'm just very hesitant. Feelings are fleeting and I'm wanting to really test this to make sure it is the right thing to do. 

What would you do?


What would you have told him? More importantly, what would you do if you were him?

Among the regrets in my life are about three occasions where I did not discourage, and even tacitly encouraged, the divorce of Catholic girlfriends. I can barely type those words. All those instances were many years ago, and today my response to women who come to me basically asking "permission" to divorce (without abuse or safety issues) is very different. However, my previous complicity still hits me hard. Were there "good reasons" for those divorces? At the time, I believed there were, but looking back, I'm not so sure. Perhaps it was simply my desire to see my friends "happy" that informed my bad advice. Or maybe it was simple cowardice on my part.

My answer to this reader was the following:

Please, please, please do exactly that! Oh my goodness, if only we had more people who thought like you!

What you say is really perfect because it is true that it is your obligation (and the others' as well even though they won't do it and would not even think to). Good for you and I will pray for you. Whatever happens you have a clear conscience after this. Oh, I hurt  for those children who will be saddled with the lifelong effects of a broken home. It's always the children who must sacrifice for the adults, isn't it?

As someone said, the children are left to reconcile the two worlds that even the adults couldn't reconcile. What a heavy burden to put on the innocent. 

May God reward you. 


As it turns out, he spent many hours -- and many, many prayers -- composing the letter to his friend. He sent it, and he heard that she received it kindly, although he does not expect an actual response. He also had firm but loving talk with the husband and father, who has since fallen into similar sins.

My reader, praise God, did not sit idly by like so many friends and family do and "support" the break-up of this family. He did what his faith, his friendship, and his witness to the marriage obligated him to do: He spoke. He spoke the truth in love, but by gosh, he spoke.

The marriage/family/"gender" catastrophe in the culture today is happening because good people are too afraid to speak.

Like this courageous reader, you must speak.

You can do this. I promise you. Ask the Holy Spirit and the Blessed Mother to guide your hand or your tongue, and speak.

I'm not buying the false dichotomy

With one daughter's marriage and the other daughter's childbirth just around the corner (love and life! both intricately connected), my reaction was strong when a 20-something male friend posted this sad status on facebook:

Early 20s: Watching your high school buddies get married.

Late 20s: Watching your high school buddies get divorced.

Feeling like I'd been punched in the gut, and angry at society to boot, I messaged him privately to get more details -- turns out there are small children involved, which adds to the tragedy. My friend is a good guy, and he's on the side of marriage, but after I challenged his claim that the young parents in question were "stable, responsible adults, aside from this" [emphasis mine], his follow-up question sent me:

...would you rather have two parents living together, at each other's throats all the time - or two separate but calm homes...

My response:

False dichotomy, Aaron*. We are adults. Barring true abuse, there is a third option. We act like adults and do what is right for the children and our marriage. It's the stable, responsible thing. 

Not much else to add here. I just cannot stand when selfish adults hurt children because (as Aaron recounts their excuse) "well we just can't work it out".

Nope! Sorry! These are children's lives. You brought them into your marriage, and yes you can work it out. In fact, you must.

End of short rant for tonight. Pray for a renewed understanding of marriage and of sacrificial love in our culture.




*Name changed unless he chimes in! :)

Related post:  Women: Save Your Marriage. In Five Minutes.

Women: Save your marriage. In five minutes.

This is going to sound like a cheesy testimonial, but stay with me.

Ladies, if you have been struggling in your relationship with your husband (and sooo many women do), I know a way that you can begin to change -- even save -- your marriage. In five minutes.

Trust me on this. I've seen it happen first hand.

Caveat: If what I'm about to say doesn't apply to you, then it doesn't apply to you. The women to whom it applies will know it. I knew it. Countless other women have known it and will know it.

If your husband is physically abusive, or if he degrades and is cruel to you as a rule, then this post is not applicable. Most husbands, however, are not physically abusive nor willfully cruel. Most husbands are generally decent guys. If you are married to a generally decent (if imperfect!) man, then what I am about to recommend will likely improve your marriage, even to the point of a complete renewal. And the results and changes will begin in less than a day. Perhaps even in five minutes. And no, I'm not kidding. You will save a lot on therapy bills and get a markedly better outcome.

Some background: Over the past few months, I have been shocked and dismayed by the number of women -- faithful Catholic women -- who have contacted me to tell me of their unhappy marriages. Some (not all) of these women were hinting that they even wanted out. I was shaken by the frequency of these conversations as well as the seeming lack of sin and guilt in the husbands -- at least nothing that should be the basis for divorce, a broken family, and devastated children. That these sentiments were and are coming from devout Catholic women who do not believe in divorce and who understand marriage as a sacrament is deeply troubling.

And yet at one time, I might have felt similarly.

Let me be clear: Divorce was never, ever an option for my husband and me, nor was it even in our lexicon. But there was a time in our marriage when tensions were high, feelings of affection were low, and things had generally broken down. Communication was terrible, and we had ceased assuming the good intent of the other. For my part, I had lost respect for my husband, whom I felt was not "a real man" (gosh, it's hard to type those words!). I almost disdained him, and I nagged, nitpicked, and criticized my way through most of our days.

Then one day about ten years ago, something happened that was the equivalent of getting a 2x4 smashed over my head. It was nothing outwardly dramatic, but in this event I recognized in one instant that I had created in my husband all the things that I in turn despised. I was immediately ashamed of what I had done to this man who had married me and who loved me, and I made a paradigm shift on the spot. Nothing has been the same since the day I had my epiphany, and our marriage is now strong and happy. I love and respect my husband dearly.

Cheesy shot, but yes, I love him!

Not long after that redemption of our marriage, I heard about a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger called Woman Power: Transform Your Man, Your Marriage, Your Life, which I learned was the companion and follow-up to her best-selling book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. After reading the first few pages of Woman Power, I recognized my past self, and I knew that every woman in America needed to read it (including those not yet married).

Years passed, and of course, the book(s) left my mind.

But the recent conversations I've had with these Catholic women brought the books to mind again. Where one might expect that I would recommend a religious book or spiritual reading for these crises, I knew that the women needed something right now, something practical and immediate, to turn their marriages around. And so I started recommending The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands to the women who came to me. My only fear was that they would not follow through. Praise God, at least two of them did, and I want you to hear from them now.

First, a lively and intelligent Catholic woman with a Ph.D, children, and a lot going on outside of the home. She had written to me several times over the months about the sad state of her marriage, blaming it almost entirely on her husband and his "unreasonable demands". Her myriad complaints about this generally decent man were painful for me to read, and even more excruciating was hearing of the cutting, hurtful way she spoke to him.

I urged her to read Proper Care. To her credit, she did finally pick up the book and began to read. Before she even finished it, I received the following:

Started the book today. Yea, embarrassed. You nailed it. And all the little things I thought made our situation different...don't. So really we are just one more example for her book.

You saying you were ashamed of your behavior. I couldn't identify until I started the book. I couldn't see outside of how justified I was. I am so embarrassed. 

Here I work in positive behavior support and couldn't apply it to my home. I even knew of the author and didn't want to be seen with the book and be judged by other women. Ha! 

We even went to therapy. The result? The therapist listened to me gripe, somewhat made me feel justified, and [my husband] got nothing out of it and finally asked if we could stop going. I felt like we failed therapy, but I also knew it wasn't a match for us and therefore wasn't helping. 

And thanks for being someone I could go to. I am careful to only choose people to speak to that will support our marriage and not fuel the fire, but still I felt so alone because I wanted to protect my husband. Also, I didn't feel like I could identify with the Catholic women and their incredibly holy marriages. I was just feeling worse about mine. I am so thankful I had the wild hair to contact you about this. That must have been all God! And desperation. Thank you times 1000! 

Here is a quote I told to [my husband] just a month ago -- "You are not my world. I know you want to be, you just aren't." And I felt justified to hurt him that way because it was true. 

I conveniently ignored that part about leaving my family to become one with my husband. I regularly chose my family over him, among many many other errors like giving everything I had to the kids and expecting him to take care of me. Despite the fact I didn't even shower three days in a row, get dressed, etc. He would ask me to exercise, be healthy, want time to talk, be intimate. All ridiculous requests from someone who clearly didn't get how exhausted I was. I thought he was another demanding child instead of a helper with the kids. I was resentful. Exhausted. Felt justified. 

The therapist didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with what I was saying. 

My husband loves me, provides for us, loves his kids, plays with them, spoils me, gives me affection, takes me on regular dates, sends flowers to my house, bought me the biggest diamond when he proposed. And my response? I don't like roses, I like lilies. (I didn't say that out loud.) And he knows I love chocolates but none of those. Or, I didn't want a big diamond -- he clearly doesn't he know me and that I don't care about that stuff (I told him before we got married I preferred quality to size -- he bought both).   

You know what I sounded like? One big spoiled brat. All the while he works long hours at a job the last 8 years where he is verbally abused by his boss. A job he absolutely hates. But can't leave. Because our lifestyle doesn't afford him to make less. I say step down, we will make it work, but he has told me time and time again my spending habits don't back up my words, so while the sentiment is nice...I just kept thinking when he leaves the job, things will be better. The truth is, our marriage maybe wouldn't have lasted to another job. 

And also, what about "for better or worse"? He was going through one of the most trying things of his life and I was focused on how much it was negatively affecting me. Most of his anti-my-family is really attempts at protecting me from the drama. He is a good man. He is trying. I am ashamed. I don't deserve him. But I will make it better.

I asked her if I could use her words for this post and she readily agreed:

Anything I can do to help others. I felt so trapped, lost. I thought, "I blew my one chance at happiness and now I have to live with this man forever. Poor me. My bed. Now lie in it." Feeling so hopeless and alone. Very much felt controlled and indignant. Fighting mad. I would not be walked on, etc. He isn't perfect, but I never considered his point of view. Never thought I could be even half the problem. And there is something very wrong with that.

Ladies, let's be honest. We all know women like this, and it might very well be ourselves. But reading just a few pages of one book has saved her marriage. In minutes.

And then, another woman who was a virtual stranger reached out to me telling me how alone she felt in her marriage. She laid out her complaints against her husband and sounded, to me, like she was near despair. I asked if her husband was a decent man and she said he was a "great man". I asked her if he was a faithful Catholic and she said that he certainly was. After hearing that, I proceeded to gently, lovingly "let her have it", and I recommended The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. A few months later, I received the following:

I've been meaning to tell you that I did read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands after I spoke with you a few months ago, and it helped tremendously!!!! 

…I love my husband very much and sometimes I need a new perspective to help me realize how good things really are. Anyway, thank you for recommending that book….

When I asked her if I could share, I got this generous response:

Yes of course!  With so much divorce and brokenness in the world, I told [my husband] I want our marriage to be in protest of that. Thank you for sharing the testimonies that will only help so many hurting couples!

Now to the second caveat: Dr. Laura is not Catholic (she is Jewish), so these are obviously not Catholic books on marriage. I hope it goes without saying that I do not endorse or condone anything in these books that contradict the Catholic Faith. But the bulk of the content is sound and takes into account the inherent dignity of man and woman, and the truths of human nature.

Also, feel free to read Woman Power first (as I did). It is can stand alone, and will lead you to want to read Proper Care anyway (though by then you may not even need to!). In fact, I read Woman Power first and only read Proper Care last week for the first time, as I wanted to make sure both were fresh in my mind when I wrote this post.

Women, I want us to love our men -- our decent, loving husbands -- in the self-donative way that God intended, and not with the disposition of the current toxic culture. We can crush our husbands or uplift them with a word, a glance, or an attitude. Honestly, ladies, we hold all the power to destroy or save our marriages. Read the book(s) and tell me what happens in the aftermath (either here in the comments, or email me privately).

Too many marriages end in divorce or go on for years and decades with both spouses in misery. It does not have to be that way. Marriages can be saved, children's homes and stability preserved, right now. Change your marriage in minutes. No joke. Please, try it. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.


*I did a follow-up post of women's reactions after reading the book, here.

Also, I was thrilled when the Diocese of Omaha linked this blog post to their website!

+++++++

I should state that I am not a paid promoter for Dr. Laura or her books (although I have always loved her work). In re-reading both books last week, I checked them out of my local library. No doubt your library has a copy or two. Check them out! And if you buy through a link on my blog, not a penny goes to me -- all amazon proceeds go to the orphans and the families working to bring them home.

Just Curious: Are you a child of divorce?

Growing up in the 1970s, I attended a public elementary school. All the kids in my class during those years had married parents, with the exception of one girl who lived with her very young mom and her grandma. She didn't speak of a father at all, except to tell us (once) that he was dead. (I am certain now that she had simply been born out of wedlock -- though I wonder if even she knew that at the time.) But other than that, all the kids lived with their married moms and dads.

We live in a different culture now.

My middle school and high school children attend a public charter school where the parents are generally well-educated and involved. Yet, divorce is commonplace. My sixth grader came home early in the school year and told me, "So many of the kids in my class have parents who are divorced! They talk a lot about how they have to switch houses during the week." I asked him how they felt about that, and he said that they seemed sad, except for the extra toys they got. My son seemed sad, too.

It hit me how much has changed in just three decades.

So, I am just curious: Are you from a divorced home? And if so, how did it affect you? Do you view marriage differently now, and how does the experience you lived through shape your own marriage?




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