For moms-of-many who have no support

I've always contended that it's not easy to have and raise eight children, and that is absolutely true, but I want to confess right now that it is easier for me than for many of you out there.

Why? Because I have a city-wide community of friends and acquaintances who have oodles of children, too.

I'm talking dozens of women that I know -- dozens upon dozens -- who have broods. I see them everywhere, I go to events with them, I party with them, our husbands are friends and business colleagues, and we are all in the same boat, child-wise. Ladies with four, five, six... all the way up to eleven kids. One of my closest friends is about to give birth to her ninth child. Our children are friends, too. This reality is not freakish at all in my "bubble" -- it's normal, and it's celebrated. I've never known a time in the past 20 years when multiple friends were not pregnant (we jokingly refer to the "next crop" of babies to come), and I know more women having children into their forties than I can count.

It's Catholic Mecca here in Phoenix. It is a beautiful, wonderful thing.

But I know it's not like that everywhere, and I know that some of you feel isolated and lonely and even ostracized because of your big families. Some dioceses are wastelands as far as following or even understanding the teachings of the Church on marriage and sexuality, and I often hear the frustration from those of you who don't live in a Catholic Mecca, and who are frazzled, weary, and discouraged. It breaks my heart, and I am sorry.

I don't mean to imply that we mothers-of-many here in Phoenix do not get frazzled, weary, and discouraged (because oh boy, we do!), but I want to acknowledge that we have a consolation here that many of you do not have: We have each other -- a built-in support group of friends who are on call at all times. There is no shortage of women with whom to hang out, complain, cry, compare notes, and laugh about the chaos of it all. We see each other's messy houses, our children's shoeless feet and dirty faces, and we don't feel alone with our big-family problems. We feel supported, loved, cared for, understood, even on the days when we are clinging to the very end of our mommy ropes and our sanity. Even those of our friends who do not have large families stand ready to aid and support those who do.

America is an incredible, amazing land. It's the greatest nation on earth. But it's also become a land of comfort and materialism, which is facilitated by contraception and sterilization. In the past, before the sexual revolution and Margaret Sanger's Birth Control League (now Planned Parenthood), mothers everywhere could celebrate new life and commiserate about the difficulties of raising so many little ones along with most everyone else on the block. It wasn't odd or freakish back then. The community of support was natural and the struggles were normal. Clearly, it's not like that today.

I wish every harried Catholic mom could experience the joy of a truly Catholic community, where talking about the trials of a big family is safe among friends; where the women understand that, although it's insanity in our houses and we are often stretched past imagining, we simultaneously love our vocation; and where we have many others picking us up when we get down and reminding us of the beauty and goodness of the life that surrounds us. I cannot remember a time here when a new pregnancy was not celebrated, even when the mother was initially scared out of her mind to see the two pink lines on that dollar store pregnancy test. The support and love for each other and for life is much more overwhelming than any struggles we encounter. This is as it should be!

It is never easy to raise a big family under any circumstances, but with the encouragement of an entire community, it can be oh, so sweet. On our worst days, I know that my friends and I would not have it otherwise.

Which brings me back to my heartache for those of you who do not have a supportive community. I hear you, I weep for you, and I am so sorry. You are truly heroic. You are the light and the witness in a world that needs it, but it's a heavy burden without a circle of friends who know what your life is like. If I had to go it alone, I shudder to think how I'd do.

This post is simply to acknowledge you, and to assure you that God sees what you are doing, and He loves and supports you, even when it feels like no one else does. You have my gratitude and my love, and I admire you more than you will ever know.

And if all else fails, move to Phoenix.

Or Omaha.

;)

Related posts:   How to Raise Eight Children Without Even Trying

                         Is Having Eight Kids Sketchy? 

                         Why I Never Should Have Had Eight Children

                         Parenting: What I've Done Right

Parenting: What I've done right!

~


Now that my parenting faults, flaws and deficiencies are out there for all to see, first going international* and then becoming legendary, I thought I'd switch it up a bit and tell you what I think I've done right as a parent.

Yes, this will be much more fun!

So, after mulling over my 20+ years of parenting and asking my older kids for their thoughts, I have come up with my three indispensable keys to effective parenting:

• Moral formation is the top priority.
• What I teach must make sense. 
• Nothing is off limits for discussion.

Let's take them one at a time:

Moral formation is the top priority

When I say "top priority", I mean that with every fiber of my being, and my kids know this. It really doesn't matter what else I do as a parent, because if I fail in the kids' moral formation, I not only fail them, but I also fail society and God. Fail at virtue training = fail as mother.

I have a suspicion that the average American parent no longer places "moral formation" at the tippy-top of the priority list. Seems to me that "academic/career/financial success" or "popularity" have taken the lead. Or a general philosophy of "Whatever makes my child happy!"

Oy, vey.

If we don't raise our children to be moral first and foremost, then we miss the point of parenthood entirely. We have enough financially successful, popular and "happy" degenerates out in the world already. What we can never have enough of is saints.

Now, it goes without saying that a child can be properly formed and still go off the rails, as there is that pesky little thing called "free will". But woe to me if my child crashes into the ditch because I never placed and secured the rails in the first place.

I can't stress enough and I even risk redundancy here: Nothing supersedes moral formation as our top parental priority! Got it? Good. That brings us to:

Our beliefs and principles need to make logical sense

Please understand this! We live in an age of non-stop information. Not knowledge, not wisdom, just information. All of these conflicting bits of info are competing with us for the souls of our children. If we don't explain to our children why our Catholic Faith is logical, coherent, cohesive, consistent and beautiful, they will have no reason to stick with it when the rest of the world says it's stupid, superstitious, oppressive and irrelevant.

Young people really do want to transcend the noise and chaos and sin and find the straight path. They really do want their world to make sense, and our job is to show them that it does.

To that end, here's what we must never say to our inquisitive children:

"I have no idea why the Church is against [fill in the blank], or why we believe [fill in the blank]. You just need to follow the rules!"

No, no, no, no! What we say instead is, "Well, honey, I am not sure exactly why the Church teaches that, but I am going to find out and get right back to you. The Church always has a good answer."

(That's when you email me and I hook you up with some nice resources or a killer Bubble post, heh, heh, heh.)

Here's something else (worse!) that we must never say to our kids:

"Look, the Church teaches a lot of outdated stuff that no one really believes, including me, but we're Catholic and that's where we're staying."

Um, yeah… try that with teens and they'll be going. Right out of the Church. That kind of attitude lacks integrity and is nonsensical, and our confused kids will soon be seeking truth elsewhere. Can we blame them? Of course not! So, we must learn our faith well, live it without exception or apology, and pass it along simply and clearly. It's a beautiful thing to lay out the tapestry of truth before a child and hear him say, "That makes sense."

Which leads us to:

Nothing is off limits for discussion

And I do mean nothing. Sex, drugs, death, hell, crime, whatever. Age appropriate, of course, but nothing is forbidden.

My kids know that whatever they ask me will be answered. I am approachable, and I want them coming to me before they even think about going to anyone else about these matters.

Just two days ago, for example, my middle-schooler came to me with a one-two punch of shocking questions regarding things he had heard, things I could never repeat here. My face stayed relaxed, I met his gaze, and I calmly gave him the explanations and information he needed.

I worry when I hear even conscientious, devout Catholic parents say that they avoid such discussions, or don't have them at all. They tell me they don't know what to say. I say, too bad. You have to do it. That's your job. They are your children, and you need to take them seriously, look them in the eye, and tell them the truth. They want to hear it from you, and they will absorb your wisdom on these matters. Don't let them down.

When my middle-schooler and I finished our talk, he left the conversation relieved and satisfied, and so did I. The straight talk we had was informed by our Faith, which [refer to second bullet point] made sense to him. And the discussion was a catalyst for [refer to first bullet point] deeper moral formation.


See how seamlessly that all works? Man, I love our Faith!


So, there you have it. I still cannot cook, sew, or throw a party. But I can form, teach and talk till the cows come home. My kids may not have clean sheets, but they know the value of a clean soul! ;)




*That's Portuguese, not Spanish!








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Why I never should have had eight children

A few months back, I told you how to raise eight children without even trying. Today, I'm going to tell you why I never should have had eight children in the first place. Had I listened to the devil and modern conventional wisdom, that is.

When I was a happy mother of four, seriously considering and deeply desiring another child, an odd feeling overcame me. Over several days, my excitement at the idea of a new little soul became mixed with feelings of discouragement and fear. It began to dawn on me that I was barely good enough "mommy material" for the four treasures I already had, and that any further parenting would be irresponsible. It came to a head one evening: I remember standing in my kitchen, full of fear and anxiety, telling myself that I had no business -- no business! -- having another baby. Not now, not ever.

All my shortcomings and sins came to the forefront of my mind, and I stood there reeling from the truth of it*:

I can't cook.
I can't grocery shop.
I can't bring the kids out alone without help.
I have nooooo patience.
I am not crafty in the least.
I can't sew.
I can't throw a party.
I'm not athletic or outdoorsy.
I don't know how to make a pretty home.
I don't know how to make anything fun.
I am lazy and a procrastinator.
I'm used to being served, not serving.
I am sarcastic and cranky.
I am a complainer.
I like to be alone.
I hate to be interrupted or inconvenienced.
I am not particularly good with children.

In that moment, I knew all of these things. And I was discouraged. Any one of these reasons could be enough for a woman to convince herself that it's imprudent to have another child. In fact, you might just be saying to yourself now, "My gosh, that Bubble woman shouldn't have one child, much less eight!"

But see, there's the thing: Moms of big families are told constantly by other women that "I couldn't do what you do!" or "You must have so much patience!" or "You must have a real way with children!" They think we were given a special gift or have a mutant gene that they do not possess. But they have no idea how much we are just like them. In fact, most of the women who say those things to me are better suited to raise a large family than I.

As I stood there in the kitchen that night, a moment of grace overtook the moment of discouragement. How many times had I told others, "Discouragement is not from Christ, as Christ only encourages. Discouragement is from the devil!" I remembered it then, and my fears and anxieties were banished. Only the devil himself, the one who hates human beings to his rotten core, would taunt me with the notion that my lack of gourmet skills should preclude new life in my marriage. I saw the evil of it then, and I called him out. I still cussed a lot back then, and I am pretty sure I told the devil what he could do with his putrid flood of discouraging thoughts. Yeah, that was a good moment.

Since that day, five eternal souls have been created in our family, four of whom my husband and I have the privilege of raising on this earth. And, while I can't claim to have conquered all the deficiencies and vices on my list (not even close! drat!), the existence of all my children has moved me along the path of holiness. Because that's how it works: The souls in your life are gifts, each of whom is meant to sanctify you in a particular way. My little sanctifiers are the artisans who change and mold me in all the ways God knows I need, and they are their father's and their siblings' artisans, too.

That my family exists as it does is living proof that "with God, all things are possible" -- even Leila Miller mothering eight great kids.


Deo gratias.

*In the interest of full disclosure, when I began to write this post a couple of nights ago, I wrote out full paragraphs for each bullet point, explaining my shortcomings in detail. Let's just say by the fifth point, I was so depressed that I couldn't go on! I turned off the computer and went to bed, ha ha!


Related post:  Parenting: What I've Done Right!









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Remember "college student"? She's back. ;)

It's been a while since we've heard from "college student" (who is now a college graduate, by the way -- congrats!).

Longtime readers will recall that she sparred often with the Catholics here over abortion, contraception, women's biology, the hook-up culture and Planned Parenthood. She provided one of the most memorable moments on the blog when she mentioned that all her friends, whom she polled, could not see any downside to the hook-up culture other than the constant sobbing.

I was pleased when "college student" (who is an agnostic) struck up an email conversation with me a while back, and we have occasionally kept in touch. Then, a few days ago, she sent me the following, reprinted with her permission:

I know you are not a Priest and have better things to do than listen to your 22-year-old pen pal confess, but I need someone to agree with me today ;) 

One of the boys I told you about earlier and I starting seeing each other (#3 -- he's a good guy I swear). He was home for the weekend and I went over his house. We went out to dinner with his parents and it was late so I decided to stay over in the guest room. Boy walks into guest room, takes off his pants (non sexually), gets into bed. I tell him to get out, we are in his parents' house. He asks why. His mother comes in and I am just mortified. I tell her not to worry and that [boy's name] will sleep in his room upstairs. She shrugs nonchalantly and says to sleep where we want and no one will bother us in the basement!! 

Thinking it was hilarious and ridiculous I told my friends, "[Boy]'s parents let us sleep in the same bed, can you believe that!" The unanimous answer: "So What?" "We are Adults." Apparently this is normal and a lot of parents are cool with it including my girlfriend's very Catholic parents!! 

Furthermore, when I yelled at my mother for letting me go out of town to see said boyfriend and told her leniency was the result of letting my older sister get away with too much stuff, she told me to stop being so judgmental and live my own life, I love you mom, but C'MON!

So we agree, the world is indeed. GOING. TO. HELL.

As you can guess, my response was to affirm her assessment and her disgust. I also experienced an internal joy that she gets it! Even though it was never explicitly taught to her, she gets, on an instinctive level, that this permissive attitude and lack of judgment on the part of parents today just isn't right. "College student" gets a sense of her own dignity, the dignity of her boyfriend, and the (dare I say?) reverence that is due human sexuality.

In a subsequent email, she went on:

But something didn’t make sense. Parents don’t exercise the same amount of control over a 22-year-old as they do a 16-year-old. Nor should they, we as young adults are charged with making responsible choices. Yet when we are in their presence they still reserve the right to tell us what to. We are still yelled at, still disciplined, and still not allowed to swear. Yet, that on that day at my boyfriend's house, we were autonomous adults who governed ourselves. Go figure.

I suppose it is easy to think the only parents who would allow this are perhaps bringing their own boyfriends to spend the night or are liberal moral relativists. Yet every single person I talked to whose parents allowed them to cohabit was the child of married parents. One was the daughter of a Catholic family who never missed Sunday Mass and educated all of their three children in Catholic Schools. Another was the son of self-proclaimed fundamentalists who devoutly attend church every Sunday and Wednesday. Some voted for Republicans. 

The question is not why are parents who have moral and sexual failings failing to uphold strong standards for their children. That is hardly a paradox and the answer is rather obvious and uninteresting. 

Rather what has me perplexed is why are doting parents committed to structure and safety omitting sex from the discussion? Why are they okay telling their son, even their adult son, to make up his bed and not to smoke so long as he is in their home, but they can not tell him to at least wait to have sex until he gets back to his own apartment? Why do they bombard him with texts whenever he travels to make sure he is safe, yet say nothing when he is potentially catching a disease in their basement (and they are both doctors)? Why? Because I cannot figure it out.

With those questions, "college student" has proven herself wiser than many twice her age. I've yelled out my own similar question for years now: "Where are the grown-ups?!"

And she's right to push further and ask how it is that even Christian parents can wimp out on this issue while taking a stand on things that don't necessarily affect their children's souls and eternal destinies. I believe it has to do with a confusion about God Himself, a profound lack of courage, and/or the all-pervasive desire to be "friends" with one's children above all else.

J. Peter Nixon describes the devastating effects of a generation of Christian parents who refuse to form their children morally:

Our children and grandchildren are abandoning the faith because they perceive -- rightly -- that its demands are at fundamental variance with the lives we have prepared them to lead. We have raised them to seek lives characterized by material comfort, sexual fulfillment, and freedom from any obligations that they have not personally chosen. Should it surprise us that they fail to take seriously our claims to follow one who embraced poverty, chastity, and obedience to the will of God? (From the article, "Only the Saints Can Save Us")

"College student" is obviously on to something with her observations, and she is hoping that her questions and general bewilderment will be the catalyst for a good discussion here. In her words: 

I am really looking forward to what everyone says, as I could use some adult advice on the matter! 

Thoughts, readers?





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How to raise eight children without even trying

(Just kidding about that last part, ha ha ha!)


First, apologizes to all the mothers of eight kids (and more) that I know. You all do a fabulous job, much better than I, and I hope your good reputations are not impugned by what I am about to reveal about my own wayward ways! 


A wonderful (non-Catholic) reader, "Anon 11:11", is the latest to ask me about having eight children. Her words are in red italics.


I would love to hear the logistics of having 8 kids. 


I will stick to logistics in this post, then, and save the spiritual side of things for another post.


Like I said, I'm pregnant with #2 now, and I can't imagine having any more kids. Taking care of my 3 year old through a miserable pregnancy is just about breaking me. 


It's normal for you to feel like your breaking at this point, because (aside from feeling lousy) you are in "The Mommy Tunnel": Your children are little and totally dependent on you for everything. You have no older kids (tweens or teens) to help you, and your little ones can't do much to help themselves. This is a passing phase! A mom can't objectively judge her long-term future childbearing at this stage. When you emerge from the tunnel, your whole life changes. In my own experience, I was surprised to find that having four children was much easier than having three.


I love my kids, and I love being a mom, but I think I'm at my limit. 


I relate! I used to think that, too. And yet, clearly, I wasn't at my limit. :)


How do you handle laundry? 


Ahhhh, laundry. It took me almost twenty years and eight children to figure out the obvious: All is well with the world when you stay on top of the laundry. Keep it moving. That's all. If you make sure you are moving your laundry every day (and teaching your kids how to fold or put away), then it's really not so bad, and even becomes relaxing. 


Before I figured this out, my laundry often looked like this: 

Photo taken about a year ago.

For perspective, that is a large white laundry basket on top of the washer there, to the left. 


Oh, yeah, and there was stuff in the dryer, too:

Trust me, it is much worse than it looks, ha ha! But today things are different. I read a life-changing blog post (ironically written by another blogger named Leila), which said that if you want a peaceful home, stay on top of just two things: laundry and meals. She was so right! I started being more disciplined about daily laundry, making it a priority, and finding a routine. Now that it's a habit, it's not such a big deal anymore. 


And, for perspective, look at what amazing things come from having eight kids' piles of laundry to sort through:

What the...?

Surprise!!

That's kid #8! True, I'd have less laundry without him, but I'd accept ten times the laundry just to keep him! And by the way, kid #8 was put in that pile by kid #4:

groceries? 


True confession time. I don't grocery shop, because I don't cook. I am a disaster in the kitchen (I cannot multi-task). I felt such guilt about it years ago that I almost stopped having babies after four children. I didn't think I should bring a fifth child into the world because of my lameness at such a basic part of motherhood. 


But then I realized that God had already provided the answer, in the form of a dear husband who actually enjoys cooking. He and I have struck a nice balance to keep thinks running smoothly in the two areas I mentioned earlier: I am on top of the laundry, and he is on top of the meals (grocery shopping and cooking).


Yes, he grocery shops for the family, and there are two reasons why it's he and not I. First, I am paralyzed (or awestruck?) in a grocery store. I can make huge life-changing decisions easily, but if you tell me to buy a can of beans, I will stare endlessly at all the varieties, not knowing how to decide. If I shopped, I would be gone for hours! Second, on the few occasions when I have gone grocery shopping, I have come home with lots of amazing snack food, but not much in the way of meal ingredients (the one who cooks really should be the one who shops, for nutritional as well as financial reasons).


Now don't get me wrong. If I had a husband who didn't cook and buy groceries, I would do it myself. As it is, his amazingness just allows me to put my energies in another area:

(Thanks, Nicole!!)

I know some folks who've had a good experience with home delivery of groceries, and I myself have begun to order my fruits and veggies from a local farmers market online, with a convenient weekly pick-up at my kids' school. Since I never know what items will be included, and since I hate waste, I have begun googling super-easy recipes for the food I receive, and I'm actually making some healthy, delicious stuff with those fruits and veggies (not full meals, of course). I'm kinda proud of myself at this turn of events!!


One other logistical thing: If at all possible, do not take small children along when you are shopping! Try to shop in the evenings or on the weekends so that the kids can stay home with your spouse. I do everything in my power never to bring small children out to any stores by myself. In fact, I can't remember the last time that happened. I either go sans kids, or I have an older child or my husband with me. You may think I'm a wimp, but it works for us, and it's part of the reason I've been able to have lots of babies and stay (mostly) sane!


clutter? 


I married a man who throws things out with an obsessive flair (that's a story in itself). There is clutter here, as in any large household, but not much. We throw a lot of things out, and we have stopped acquiring things. This tendency to be detached from "things" (including toys) gets stronger as the number of children increases. I would love to throw out or donate most everything I own, but I don't have enough time yet. When the last child goes to school, the massive purgation will begin.


changing bed sheets? 


Kids' bedsheets are changed very rarely! If they bathe before they go to bed, their sheets aren't really getting dirty anyway, right? Okay, there is the occasional bedwetting, and that does motivate me to change sheets. Another great discovery: Older kids can change their own sheets! It's a life skill they need, correct? It would be a disservice to them if I didn't let them do it.


school lunches? 


Another life skill that my kids have learned at a very young age. One over-achieving son was packing his own lunch in first grade! Also, we keep lunches very simple. And of course since it's food preparation, my husband packs any lunches that can't be packed by the child. [Note: It's over three years later, and I actually pack lunches now. But only one, since I'm homeschooling the other elementary school kids.]


keeping track of what's going on in each one's life? 


It's funny, but I have never even thought about this as a problem or concern. I  don't have time to micromanage the kids' time or schedules (which is a good thing), but because I have to coordinate everyone's day, I am always aware of where everyone is and what they're doing. As far as homework, I only help the little ones, and only when they need it -- the older kids don't expect or want the help. When it comes to their moral formation and safety, however, I am all over it. I have their passwords to facebook accounts, and they fully understand that their texts and emails are subject to (unannounced) parental oversight. We give them privacy as long as they are trustworthy, but they also know that as long as they are minors and in our home, privacy is not a right. Our children know that their parents love them and will keep them accountable. This approach has worked well.


talking to your husband with a moment of peace? 


This is the absolute glory of having teens! We have built-in babysitters! I never thought that the day would come, but when our oldest finally was able to sit for her siblings, my husband and I started going out on dates, even on a whim! Currently, we have four teens! This is not only like having four sitters, but also like having four nannies! Think of it this way: We have eight kids, but it's almost like we have four young children and four nannies to help out with those last four. That seems doable, right? 


Before folks start yelling about how "unfair" it is to "burden" the older kids like this, I need to say a couple of things. First, every single older kid is head over heels in love with the little ones. And they all (old and young) ask for a new baby pretty much weekly. The babies are the light of our lives, and they'd do just about anything for another one. (Don't believe me? Ask them.) Second, I have absolutely zero guilt or angst about expecting all family members to do their share of work and to help others when needed. I don't do the coddling thing, because I don't think it's helped the last couple of generations who were raised that way. I want my children to have responsibilities and learn to care for each other, and I will never apologize for it.


who's grown out of what clothes for what season? 


Yeah, that whole thing is a pain. One thing helps us here in Arizona: No hard winters. So, the majority of the year it's shorts and t-shirts. When we switch to jeans and sweatshirts, I do a little inventory. It's not always fun, but in a way it's cathartic. Another thing that helps me is that my oldest three kids are done growing, so their clothes are their clothes. The rest of the kids are all boys, so that helps, too, as the clothes just keep getting handed down. For in between sizes, I just stick those clothes in a box with a label (name and season) for the next kid in line. 


Also, it took me a while to learn that kids don't really need as many clothes as they have. As I've had more children, the idea of "less is more" is quite freeing. (Though I have a long way to go.)


everything else?


I always say that if I had to do all the things that our culture says must be done for kids today, I couldn't have so many kids. So, each non-driving child gets one or two activities a year. Maybe one sport, maybe music lessons. For the smaller ones, maybe nothing at all for a year. I used to do Gymboree with every baby/toddler and start kids in T-ball when they were 3. I've let that go, with no ill effects. They are all just fine. In fact, we are all happier, and the kids play with each other out in the backyard, where we installed a sport court and a concrete track for scooters and bikes. 


Basically, it's simplify, uncomplicate, don't try to follow the Joneses. Angst and guilt get in the way of good mothering, so I've tried to drop that. It's non-productive. 


Another thing to consider: Children grow up and move out. I have one who's already gone, and another one leaving in the fall. By the time baby #8 came, baby #1 was already at college. The years do fly by. When my first sweet girl left, I missed her terribly. It was a blessing to have little ones still at home to cuddle.


Last thought: Anyone with more domestic skills than I have (i.e., everyone) can handle the logistics of raising eight children better than I can. But there is an intangible in all of this, of course. Have you noticed that big families these days are almost always religious families? There's a reason for that.


But like I said, that's a post for another day. :)




Related posts:

Why I never should have had eight children

Is having eight kids "sketchy"?