Parenting: What I've done right!

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Now that my parenting faults, flaws and deficiencies are out there for all to see, first going international* and then becoming legendary, I thought I'd switch it up a bit and tell you what I think I've done right as a parent.

Yes, this will be much more fun!

So, after mulling over my 20+ years of parenting and asking my older kids for their thoughts, I have come up with my three indispensable keys to effective parenting:

• Moral formation is the top priority.
• What I teach must make sense. 
• Nothing is off limits for discussion.

Let's take them one at a time:

Moral formation is the top priority

When I say "top priority", I mean that with every fiber of my being, and my kids know this. It really doesn't matter what else I do as a parent, because if I fail in the kids' moral formation, I not only fail them, but I also fail society and God. Fail at virtue training = fail as mother.

I have a suspicion that the average American parent no longer places "moral formation" at the tippy-top of the priority list. Seems to me that "academic/career/financial success" or "popularity" have taken the lead. Or a general philosophy of "Whatever makes my child happy!"

Oy, vey.

If we don't raise our children to be moral first and foremost, then we miss the point of parenthood entirely. We have enough financially successful, popular and "happy" degenerates out in the world already. What we can never have enough of is saints.

Now, it goes without saying that a child can be properly formed and still go off the rails, as there is that pesky little thing called "free will". But woe to me if my child crashes into the ditch because I never placed and secured the rails in the first place.

I can't stress enough and I even risk redundancy here: Nothing supersedes moral formation as our top parental priority! Got it? Good. That brings us to:

Our beliefs and principles need to make logical sense

Please understand this! We live in an age of non-stop information. Not knowledge, not wisdom, just information. All of these conflicting bits of info are competing with us for the souls of our children. If we don't explain to our children why our Catholic Faith is logical, coherent, cohesive, consistent and beautiful, they will have no reason to stick with it when the rest of the world says it's stupid, superstitious, oppressive and irrelevant.

Young people really do want to transcend the noise and chaos and sin and find the straight path. They really do want their world to make sense, and our job is to show them that it does.

To that end, here's what we must never say to our inquisitive children:

"I have no idea why the Church is against [fill in the blank], or why we believe [fill in the blank]. You just need to follow the rules!"

No, no, no, no! What we say instead is, "Well, honey, I am not sure exactly why the Church teaches that, but I am going to find out and get right back to you. The Church always has a good answer."

(That's when you email me and I hook you up with some nice resources or a killer Bubble post, heh, heh, heh.)

Here's something else (worse!) that we must never say to our kids:

"Look, the Church teaches a lot of outdated stuff that no one really believes, including me, but we're Catholic and that's where we're staying."

Um, yeah… try that with teens and they'll be going. Right out of the Church. That kind of attitude lacks integrity and is nonsensical, and our confused kids will soon be seeking truth elsewhere. Can we blame them? Of course not! So, we must learn our faith well, live it without exception or apology, and pass it along simply and clearly. It's a beautiful thing to lay out the tapestry of truth before a child and hear him say, "That makes sense."

Which leads us to:

Nothing is off limits for discussion

And I do mean nothing. Sex, drugs, death, hell, crime, whatever. Age appropriate, of course, but nothing is forbidden.

My kids know that whatever they ask me will be answered. I am approachable, and I want them coming to me before they even think about going to anyone else about these matters.

Just two days ago, for example, my middle-schooler came to me with a one-two punch of shocking questions regarding things he had heard, things I could never repeat here. My face stayed relaxed, I met his gaze, and I calmly gave him the explanations and information he needed.

I worry when I hear even conscientious, devout Catholic parents say that they avoid such discussions, or don't have them at all. They tell me they don't know what to say. I say, too bad. You have to do it. That's your job. They are your children, and you need to take them seriously, look them in the eye, and tell them the truth. They want to hear it from you, and they will absorb your wisdom on these matters. Don't let them down.

When my middle-schooler and I finished our talk, he left the conversation relieved and satisfied, and so did I. The straight talk we had was informed by our Faith, which [refer to second bullet point] made sense to him. And the discussion was a catalyst for [refer to first bullet point] deeper moral formation.


See how seamlessly that all works? Man, I love our Faith!


So, there you have it. I still cannot cook, sew, or throw a party. But I can form, teach and talk till the cows come home. My kids may not have clean sheets, but they know the value of a clean soul! ;)




*That's Portuguese, not Spanish!








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