Not long ago, I posted something which touched on the issue of homosexuality. One commenter said: “I'd love to know how you'd treat one of your own children if they 'came out' to you." I replied as I always do: I would love my child just as much as I do now, but I could never condone his or her sin.
After that post, I was contacted by an acquaintance of mine, a devout Catholic who could be any of us. As it turns out, her adult son is gay. She spoke with a heart full of love and pain, and I knew immediately that her thoughts deserved a wide hearing.
Here's what she told me:
I love the Catholic Church, and I am an obedient Catholic who is very thankful for the authority of the Church. That being said, your post tonight has pulled at my heartstrings. Something that is clearly black and white does take on shades of gray when it happens in your life.
We are a homeschooling family. We attend daily Mass, celebrate feast days and thoroughly enjoy our children. We are not perfect, but we have tried very hard to parent in a loving and firm manner without being harsh. And, we have a gay son. I told my mother when he was a small boy that I was afraid he might be gay. We tried gently during his childhood to redirect his play, to encourage male friendships, but it was always in the back of my mind. But, how could God allow that, of all things, in a solid Christian home... a loving home?
Our son told us right before his 18th birthday. He is now 21. He has not had a "real" relationship with anyone at this point, but I know he has been sexually active. He is respectful, though, that his father and I want to tell his siblings when we feel that they are at an appropriate age. He also knows that this is parental territory only, and he has respected that so far. He is a good big brother... very nurturing, very loving.
I love him. I adore him. So does his father. We do not condone being sexually active in a homosexual relationship (or in any relationship outside of marriage). However, when you watch your son struggle with an eating disorder, depression, and run away... it does not feel quite so black and white.
We also did not get the help we needed from priests. One asked my son what his conscience told him, and when my son told him he thought it must be okay because he felt he was born this way, the priest told him that was his answer. Another that we met with offered very little support or counsel. I actually left feeling that he did not think it was that big of a deal... although, in all fairness to him, he did not say anything contrary to Church teaching. But, that was the "vibe" I was getting. (When he ran away, he went to a center for LGBT youth, who actually tried very hard to help our family in a loving, caring way... respectful of my husband’s and my beliefs; but, obviously, this was not the counsel we wanted for our son.)
I am just taking it one day at a time. I fear the day that he tells us he has met someone. He is so fragile. It is not so easy to say that we would never meet that person. I just pray, pray, pray. I have to believe that God hears this mother's cry for her son and that He loves my son even more than I do. If I shun my son, how do I show him the love of Christ? I am scared to close too many doors. And, right now, my son wants very much to meet someone... to have a life partner.
We have talked to him about remaining chaste just as any Catholic single is called to do. Right now, he does not feel that is an option.
I guess I just wanted to say that it is a little deeper emotionally that just saying that you would love your child but not condone the lifestyle. That is true, but lots of heartache and struggling is involved.
What I find most frustrating is how matter-of-fact people become when asked how they would react to such news from a child (regardless of what they think their reaction would be): “I would take my child to a psychiatrist immediately”; “I would love my child without condoning it”; “I would kick my child out”; “I would plan some sort of intervention for my child.”
Obviously, I do not condone this lifestyle either, but I also felt like I was punched in the gut and had my heart ripped out all in a split second. There was nothing matter-of-fact about it. And even though I have only told two friends, my mother, and my sister, I still "feel" judgement... cruel judgement from people who really, based on their Christian faith, should not say the things they do, or make the jokes that they do, or use names that should not come out of a Christian adult's mouth. I also know that there are people in my life who would never do any of the above, but who would feel like they could no longer let their children come into our home or spend the night if they knew.
My fear is that because I am not following my son around all the time trying to convert his heart, that I am being lukewarm... that I am teaching his siblings to be lukewarm... because we are living peacefully and not constantly being confrontational. I am afraid this looks to be acceptance.
People seem so repulsed by a gay person. I truly, truly, truly do not want to sound judgemental, especially given my life, but just looking at the number of families in our large parish who only have 1 or 2 children beyond toddlerhood, I would imagine that there is a little more than NFP being practiced. And, what about all the adult singles who are not chaste? I helped with RCIA at one time, and we had an engaged couple going through who shared the same home address... no one said anything. Isn't mortal sin... mortal sin?
The thought of my son with another man does make me feel sick, but shouldn't all mortal sin make us feel that way?
I do not mean to sound so angry. I am not a confrontational person, so this has been festering in my heart with no real outlet.
My son no longer attends Mass. He did for a while, but I don't think he feels comfortable anymore. He is searching, though... just not in ways that are good... New Age, Buddhism...
I wish my son could embrace this as a cross... to live a chaste life. Compared to an eternity, this life is just a teeny-tiny droplet. But, to a 21-year-old, his earthly life feels like an eternity. And being raised in a large, happy family, it's what he wants for himself.
This has been nearly unbearable for my heart. And, that's all I can think to say at this point.
My heart breaks for this woman, her son and her whole family.
It is so important that we look, always, with the eyes of charity and compassion, and that we not cause extra pain to others due to careless words, gossip, jokes, suppositions and judgements. We are all sinners, after all, in need of God’s great mercy.
We Catholics have truth, which is an incredible gift that needs to be known, lived, and defended. But this post is a reminder that "[even if I] understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:2)
#2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.
We must hate the sin precisely because we love the sinner. If we Christians can’t do it, then we’d better not expect God to hate the sin but love the sinner when our own judgement comes.
**UPDATE: I received a comment, below, from Steve Gershom, a gay man and faithful Catholic, 27 years old. He graciously provided this link to an interview he did with Simcha Fisher. I think all readers -- including those on the secular left who are critical of Church teaching -- need to read his interview. Thank you, Steve!
