Wednesday, May 23, 2012

"Fifteen years later and silent no more…"

This is a painful and powerful piece from a Catholic blogger that many of you know and love, The Crescat. With her permission, I'm reposting it here, in its entirety:

… The bumper sticker read, “Having an abortion does not make you un-pregnant, it makes you the mother of a dead baby”. The word “mother” struck me because “mother” is such a powerful word. It conjures many meanings, and when a woman becomes one she is fundamentally changed. “Mother” as a verb means to nurture, care for and protect. “Mother” as a noun means a female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child; or a female person whose egg unites with sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.

By this definition if you’ve ever been pregnant you are a Mother. Even if you’ve had an abortion you are still a Mother… a grieving Mother.

“A voice was heard in Ramah, sobbing and loud lamentation; Rachel weeping for her children, and she would not be consoled, since they were no more.” Matthew 2:18

There is no consolation to be had for the mother that loses a child. She will grieve in her heart for the rest of her life. Abortion, however, not only robs a child of its life and a mother of its child, it also robs the mother of her grieving. She is not allowed to grieve because she cannot publicly claim the title Mother.

Abortion advocates will never admit a post-abortive woman is a Mother because to admit that would acknowledge the existence that there was once a child. Not a clump of cells, but a very real living child. When girls begin menstruating they are not called mothers to a clump of cells, yet so many people really believe an abortion is just like having a heavy period or passing a large menstrual clot. This was how it was described to me when I found myself in their clinic fifteen years ago. Two years later when I returned to have a second abortion the lie had not changed.

For fifteen long years I’ve lived with the pain, shame and guilt associated with my past. In that time I’ve experienced denial, anger, and depression. It wasn't till my conversion to Catholicism that I finally sought the reconciliation my soul needed. Once I received the grace of forgiveness I was charged with the next most important task of my life… to tell as many women as I can how horrible, evil and despicable abortion is.

However, it has taken me another six years to find my courage. In order to honestly talk about the truth I needed to admit to my past and in this one area my words failed me. Today I write this post so that I may finally own up to what it is I have done and make the necessary reparations for my crimes so that others will know just how fundamentally soul-destroying abortion is.

I am choosing this day to find my voice.

Here is the truth I spent so many years denying and keeping from the public – I killed two of my children, robbed my parents of grand-children, and murdered my son’s siblings. These abortions directly caused a medical condition known as incompetent cervix which resulted in the premature birth of another son who died after a week long struggle in the NICU in 2001. The suffering I’ve endured and caused others is immeasurable and the guilt almost drove me suicidal. I am a coward in every way.

I was a coward in my youth, unable to take responsibility for my sexual actions and I am a coward today because I’ve failed to honestly speak out against abortion for so many years. I failed to shout from the highest building all the ugly truths for every ear to hear. I tried to help a friend once who was considering abortion but there only so much I could say without giving away my own horrible, awful secret. In the end, withholding that information was not enough to convict her otherwise and she had an abortion. I failed her with my silence.

I refuse to be a coward anymore. In these times, no one can afford to be a coward. The price of our silence is paid in the blood of millions of innocent aborted babies. This is a deplorable evil and it must end now.

Women, post-abortive American women, will be the ones who will make the greatest strides against abortion and change the nation’s heart. Now, on this election year, is the time to stand up and honestly share, in heartrending and uncensored detail, what happens to women when they have an abortion and how they are forever changed in hopes that no one will suffer the same pain. I’ve been silent for far too long.

Please forgive my silence and I apologize for the scandal these words may cause. Please know that what ever deplorable opinion you hold of me pales in comparison to the opinions I have had of myself.


For the original post from The Crescat, click here.
For help, hope, and healing after an abortion, click here.
To be silent no more, click here.

Related post: Silent No More: A Friend's Abortion Story



  1. WOW. God bless her. Her silence allowed her to speak with such force now. I have tremendous respect for this woman! Thanks Leila.

  2. For what it's worth, I have the highest opinion of you. What you said was not easy and if it only took you 6 years to say, then I'm just grateful it didn't take longer. God bless you!

  3. A very powerful witness, indeed. It's so true that women deserve better than abortion.

  4. This is so, so sad, and I do not find her deplorable in any way. Instead, I think she's brave.

  5. I am thankful she has found her voice...for it will bring healing to her heart and a voice to many who share her story. She is so not alone. We all love her and many of us hold on to many crosses. She is not alone.

  6. I read that and I, too, am thankful for her. She is a powerful witness.

  7. Isn't it beautiful how God can take our greatest sins and turn them into powerful witnesses. No doubt many hearts will turn to the Lord because she has brought her sin into the light.

  8. God bless you, Crescat. He has big plans for you.

  9. That couldn't have been easy to say. We all have done things that we regret, deplore, are so ashamed of. No one has the right to judge.

    Praying for healing for Crescat, for the forgiveness of self! She is helping a lot of women by speaking out.

  10. I am not scandalized. I am not shocked. Satan's lies are good. I fell for his lies also. Hugs from one NICU Mom to another. I'll be praying to my patron Saint Mary Magdalene for your feelings of self-forgiveness. Remember it was a formerly "fallen" woman who had the gift to see the joy of the Resurrection first!

  11. Wow. Very powerful words from a very courageous woman. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope it changes many hearts.

  12. I love these stories how God makes everything new.........

  13. Very powerful. So thankful she is sharing.

  14. Where victims don't speak up, evil continues. And post-abortive women are the only victims of abortion who still have a voice. You are right when you say it will be those who have experienced the evil of abortion who will expose the lies for what they are and bring about its end. Stand strong, sister, and speak the truth loudly. Make all the apologies you like for your sins, but make none whatsoever for your beliefs. I, for one, am proud of you. Speaking up takes a great deal of courage, but if no one does, the consequences will be unthinkable.

  15. So moving and tragic. Most of us have our "pre-Catholic" past, I can honestly say that, given the right circumstances, this could have been me. I shudder to think of my likely actions had I been pregnant with my daughter at an earlier time -- The pregnancy was so physically and psychologically awful that only a Catholic faith could get me through. But I am weak! And now the suffering is a small memory compared to the joy of my little girl. And then even when we are in the Truth, we still fall sometimes.

    I'm so glad you found your voice. Satan wants nothing more than for you to fall into despair and for Heaven to lose you...You will be reunited with your babies someday, and God will wash away the tears. I have one in Heaven too via miscarriage, and I look forward to that day.

  16. On the contrary... I do not have a deplorable opinion, but rather a very high one of you.
    Thank you for sharing. You are a loving and compassionate Mother :) I will pray for your peace of heart.

  17. It is not a scandal to be a sinner. We are all sinners. The scandal is in not asking for God's forgiveness, which happily here is not the case. And now to be brave enough to use her mistakes to be a witness to the truth of he horror of abortion..what a great thing.
    Thank you for linking to his....

  18. What a powerful testimony! Wow. I hope she knows how brave she is! How wonderful that she is speaking out now.


PLEASE, when commenting, do not hit "reply" (which is the thread option). Instead, please put your comment at the bottom of the others.

To ensure that you don't miss any comments, click the "subscribe by email" link, above. If you do not subscribe and a post exceeds 200 comments, you must hit "load more" to get to the rest.