From a Child of Divorce: "What I Wish They Would Have Told Me"

My friend Melody Lyons wrote something two years ago, that, had I known about it then, would have been included in my book, Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak. 

What she wrote goes to the heart of what I have learned since editing the book, and it's what the vast majority of divorce ministries and counselors are missing, i.e., the very normal and expected reactions of children taught to go along with something that is naturally destructive and unjust. Please see if you don't recognize what we do to the children of divorce, in Melody's words:


As the Catholic discussions on divorce, remarriage, etc., increase as a result of current events in the Church, I throw in my unsolicited pennies and beg Catholics to avoid one thing during those discussions: Never, even under the generous umbrella of mercy, allow adult pastoral considerations to divert attention from the great needs of the suffering children of divorce. A faster annulment process (or other changes) may or may not be good for the Church.... But it doesn't fundamentally change the crushing blow that divorce is to the family. Even when it is necessary, it is still a great suffering.

When we minimize the language of what divorce really is, we also minimize the real effect on human beings... and we unfortunately communicate lies to kids: "There must be something wrong with YOU to feel so bad and broken over something that isn't really a big deal."  It makes kids (and abandoned spouses) feel isolated and crazy. My own experience was that it caused me to bear an unwieldy burden of guilt even as a very young child. Over and over again I heard variations on the following...

"It's for the best."
"It's good for your parents... you should be glad that they can live happier lives."
"Don't you want them to be happy?"
"It is better this way."
"They did a brave thing."
"Nobody should have to live with someone they don't love."
"You'll understand when you're older."
"You are not being fair to them."
"Children do not understand what makes adults happy."
"Be grateful you didn't have to grow up in an unhappy household."
"You will learn to think and feel differently with time."
"Do you want to make your mom cry?"
"You were too young to be affected by it... you're just trying to get attention now."
"You are being ungrateful."
"God does not want your parents to be unhappy."

And over and over again I was pierced by the pain of isolation and brokenness that seemed to only have its roots in MY guilty, stupid soul. If divorce was "good" "better" and "best" and my parents were wholly justified and excellent decision makers, then I must have been a worthless person for all the sadness, grief, and anger I carried. While my own parents were lifted up and extolled for their courage by the long list of counselors, friends, and priests I sought out for help with my runaway grief, I was crushed under the knowledge that my grief (which I was helpless to) was standing in the way of their happiness....


Please read the rest of Melody's stunning piece, here:

"What I Wish They Would Have Told Me"

Infallibility made VERY simple

Since there is a lot going on in the Church right now, it's a good time for all of us to understand something very important and very basic: Infallibility.


There is more than one kind (or level) of infallibility in the Church. 

The Magisterium (i.e., the teaching authority of the Church) can exercise infallibility in two basic ways: 


1. The "extraordinary Magisterium"  

2. The "ordinary and universal Magisterium"


The exercise of the "extraordinary Magisterium" is the one we hear about most. This is when the Pope acts on his own, pronouncing and defining doctrine ex cathedra, or "from the Chair" of Peter. This has happened with two Marian doctrines--the Immaculate Conception of Mary and the Bodily Assumption of Mary. (These doctrines were already true and believed before the pope declared them, by the way. Popes do not ever "make up" new doctrines.)


The exercise of the "ordinary and universal Magisterium" is less dramatic but more common. It is the teaching of the whole body of bishops, in union with the pope. When the bishops and pope speak and teach definitively on something (for example in an ecumenical council) they are teaching infallibly. The day-to-day teachings of the Church, confirmed and reaffirmed throughout the centuries (taught "always and everywhere"), fall into this category of infallible teachings. "God exists" would be one such infallibly taught doctrine (pretty basic and general!), as would the prohibition of abortion and contraception (never has the Church sanctioned either one). 


Like I said, I'm keeping it simple! 

Fr. Pete Rossa, Requiescat in pace

Precious in the sight of the LORD 

is the death of his holy ones.

Psalm 116:15

Inaugural Mass at the church Fr. Pete worked so many years to build. 8-13-16. (Ambria Hammel/CATHOLIC SUN)

Fr. Pete Rossa, the beloved, always-smiling, ever-joyful pastor of St. Bernadette Catholic Church in Scottsdale, Arizona, died last Wednesday, September 13. He was only 52.

On the morning of Tuesday the 12th, Fr. Pete had ascended the steps of the ambo to give his homily to the small group of faithful who had assembled for daily mass in the magnificent new church building that had been dedicated only months before. 

A dear friend who was in the pews that day said that Father did not look well as he began his homily -- he was "as white as the marble" surrounding him, but he pressed on in his priestly duties. He began with prescient words:

 "In the Gospel of Luke, Jesus called the disciples to Himself...." 

He then stopped, apologized, and appeared to take a step down. He lost consciousness and fell backwards onto the marble floor, hitting his head. The lector and parishioners rushed to help him, first responders arrived, and soon he was taken into emergency surgery. Despite excellent care, there was nothing the doctors could do; he never regained consciousness. The next day, surrounded by loving family, friends, and brother priests praying the rosary, Fr. Pete, good and faithful servant of God, passed to eternal life. 

It is a consolation to all and a gift from the Lord that his last conscious moments on this earth were spent surrounded by consecrated, holy things, with his Eucharistic Lord just a few feet from him. Father Pete was robed in his priestly vestments, serving his flock in the house of God that they had worked so hard to build, together. 

As recounted in his moving obituary:

In the lunchroom at the parish office just recently, Fr. Peter shared with some of his staff that when it was his time, he hoped he could die doing what he loved most, celebrating the Sacred Mass. How prophetic, then, that he was called to the Lord and into the loving arms of the Blessed Mother, for whom he held such great affection, only days later in just this way.

The Lord clearly loved his servant Peter very much. 

Just months earlier, when dedicating the new church building, he said to his flock:

It’s my great prayer that we continue to grow in the grace of God and to proclaim His kingdom everywhere we go, every minute of the day because you, my brothers and sisters, are not just simply called to come to Mass on Sunday. You and I are called to be saints.

God wants that more than anything else, and He is going to pour out the Holy Spirit upon you in your lives for just that purpose. If I were to die tomorrow, it would be my sincerest hope not that I be remembered for this church, but that I would be remembered for bringing you closer to Jesus Christ because that is our mission, that is our hope, that is our longing at the core of our faith. 

I am not sure Fr. Pete knew who I was, but I sure knew him. I remember reading about his late vocation in the diocesan newspaper 14 years ago. He had been in the Air Force for 12 years, and after having served our country with honor, he got out and began to wonder about God, Someone he had not really known. He went to an RCIA class and asked, to the amusement of the others, "Who is Jesus?" God clearly had Pete Rossa on the fast track, because soon after that spiritual awakening, he was headed to the seminary--and ultimately to 14 years of a holy and fruitful priesthood that touched thousands of lives. 

St. Bernadette's has been my "second parish home" for many years, as well as the place where I routinely go to confession; Fr. Pete was often the priest behind the screen, hearing my sins and giving me gentle spiritual direction and absolution. When he celebrated the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, it was always reverent, and his joy in the Lord--and his beloved parishioners--was clearly evident. 

Fr. Pete probably never knew that he was part of our Bubble family, but I used one of his columns years ago, right here! He had a passion for and expertise in bioethics, and he used that knowledge to teach the truth, courageously but lovingly, to a world that desperately needs to hear it:

IVF, and what to do with "excess embryos"...

In the past few days there have been many tears shed for this kind, humble, and faithful priest, and many stories shared of how he changed people's lives and souls by mediating to them the love of Jesus Christ. A grieving member of Fr. Pete's flock, Denny Hunt, speaks for many of us when he says, simply:

"Thank you for all the times you absolved me of sins and gave me Jesus."

Our priests sacrifice everything to give us all. May we never take them for granted. 

May the soul of Fr. Peter Rossa, and the souls of all the faithful departed, rest in eternal peace. 

+++++++

There is more on Fr. Pete, including memorable stories from those who knew him during seminary and through his priesthood, in this Catholic Sun article:

Catholic Community Mourns Sudden Loss of Beloved Priest

Fr. Pete, at the wedding mass of Chris and Angela Faddis, 2006. Photo: Carlos Weaver