Tuesday, September 26, 2017

From a Child of Divorce: "What I Wish They Would Have Told Me"



My friend Melody Lyons wrote something two years ago, that, had I known about it then, would have been included in my book, Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak

What she wrote goes to the heart of what I have learned since editing the book, and it's what the vast majority of divorce ministries and counselors are missing, i.e., the very normal and expected reactions of children taught to go along with something that is naturally destructive and unjust. Please see if you don't recognize what we do to the children of divorce, in Melody's words:


As the Catholic discussions on divorce, remarriage, etc., increase as a result of current events in the Church, I throw in my unsolicited pennies and beg Catholics to avoid one thing during those discussions: Never, even under the generous umbrella of mercy, allow adult pastoral considerations to divert attention from the great needs of the suffering children of divorce. A faster annulment process (or other changes) may or may not be good for the Church.... But it doesn't fundamentally change the crushing blow that divorce is to the family. Even when it is necessary, it is still a great suffering.

When we minimize the language of what divorce really is, we also minimize the real effect on human beings... and we unfortunately communicate lies to kids: "There must be something wrong with YOU to feel so bad and broken over something that isn't really a big deal."  It makes kids (and abandoned spouses) feel isolated and crazy. My own experience was that it caused me to bear an unwieldy burden of guilt even as a very young child. Over and over again I heard variations on the following...

"It's for the best."
"It's good for your parents... you should be glad that they can live happier lives."
"Don't you want them to be happy?"
"It is better this way."
"They did a brave thing."
"Nobody should have to live with someone they don't love."
"You'll understand when you're older."
"You are not being fair to them."
"Children do not understand what makes adults happy."
"Be grateful you didn't have to grow up in an unhappy household."
"You will learn to think and feel differently with time."
"Do you want to make your mom cry?"
"You were too young to be affected by it... you're just trying to get attention now."
"You are being ungrateful."
"God does not want your parents to be unhappy."

And over and over again I was pierced by the pain of isolation and brokenness that seemed to only have its roots in MY guilty, stupid soul. If divorce was "good" "better" and "best" and my parents were wholly justified and excellent decision makers, then I must have been a worthless person for all the sadness, grief, and anger I carried. While my own parents were lifted up and extolled for their courage by the long list of counselors, friends, and priests I sought out for help with my runaway grief, I was crushed under the knowledge that my grief (which I was helpless to) was standing in the way of their happiness....


Please read the rest of Melody's stunning piece, here:













1 comment:

  1. I appreciate how Melody answers Bonnie's question in the comments of her post.

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